My Love, My Sunshine (Chanlix)[ COMPLETED]

10

Felix POV:

Right now I am feeling as happy as a baboon in a banana tree. As happy as a clam at high tide. As happy as a hippo in mud. As happy as a shark in a shoal of sea bream. As happy as a kitty in a cream pie. As happy as a dog at a dinosaur dig.

But again, all I am is sadness, every other emotion pushed from my being. Where there was the love, the light, the laughter is an aching hollowness. I was honest, truthful and full of more love for you than you can ever understand.

In this sadness there is no past or future, just living by the moment. Every day is measured from the moment of waking into this new reality until my body can do no more, until sleep comes to rest this weary mind. Each day I greet the sun like a climber greets their rope, fingers holding on fast despite the pain. It is grief, no different from bereavement, coming in wintry waves.
The first things that come to my mind after waking up is this?

It’s already a month into New Year. I feel like need to get over it by now but I can’t.
It's that day of drowning, here again, the cold wash only I can feel. I don't want to get up. I don't want to move at all.

This depression- it's been eating me up. The world no longer seems magical. The sky no longer seems limitless. The chirping of the birds no longer is a music to my ears. It's very dark in here. Not from the practical point of view, but from my mental state.

The tears want to roll down, but they are too stubborn. They just wouldn't come. My face wants to grimace and contort into a painful expression, but the fake smile that has been plastered since years seems to have frozen in place. It's all too painful; my pain is never-ending.

Am I being too selfish by not telling Chan what I am going through? Will he even be sad or cry? Will he miss me?

I can feel it. It’s coming to me.

Slowly I tried to get up but quickly realized how futile it was when I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. Sharp pain lanced through my head and colorful spots flashed in front of my eyes, it felt like my whole body had been beaten and every movement caused some muscle or bone to ache. The pain throbs in my guts, it's deep and warm, but not in a nice way. It feels like someone has their hand in there and are squeezing my organs first gently and then as hand as they can. When it wanes I can move, when it returns I can only hold still and breathe, breathe slow and deep until it has passed.

I can finally feel my voice. I scream, I can see my parents hurrying upstairs. I scream more and more. I see all my family watching me in pain and panicking, then I saw someone there. I saw chan.

As much as I wanted and waited to die, one look at him and I wanted to live. I want to be saved, I want a rescuing hand to tow me back to life, to the world I know.

The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of my vision and the only thing I could hear was my own heartbeat. My breath came in ragged, shallow gasps.

Seconds passed as I lay there, then, I heard voices. People swarmed all over me, trying to help me, I realized. They wanted to save me. If I could have, I would have laughed. Surely they could tell that it was far too late for me to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world. The despair and suffering of the world that took everyone I loved away from me. I would be joining them soon though. I would be able to leave all the pain behind. I closed my eyes, I could die happily now. My fragile, human heart beat one last time.

I awoke to find myself not in my cozy bed, or even in the protection of my house. I awoke to find myself in another world, a world of suffering. As the numbness of sleep slowly faded from my limbs I felt dead grass poking into back, like tiny needles. I opened my eyes and gasped in a breath, but nothing came and I choked on my own dry tongue. There was no air in this menacing world; lack of oxygen descended on my mind in a panic, in desperation I sucked in another breath, burning my lungs with a ferocity that consumed me. Mist descended on my eyes. Through the misty veil surrounding my eyes I could barely make out dead white trees like bony fingers stretching for the dark sunless sky. I could feel my heart beating against my rib cage, slowing every second. Realization dawned on me, I was going to die. I tried to move my chest, tried to suck in air, but none came. My heart stopped. My mind gave one final sigh. Then I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Darkness.

I thought so. I saw light again, a big blooming light. I could be saved! I though as I ran towards it. My body was aching all over, with the darkness slowly going away my pain was coming back but I couldn’t care less.

My eyesight blurred, but not because tears were welling up. Everything became fuzzy; then I saw nothing at all. My consciousness was floating through an empty space filled with a thick static. Throughout the inky space my heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in my ears, alongside fading pleas for help.

Feeling in my body drained away until finally all was black. I think this is finally it.