He Broke Her.

Healed.

I feel a bitter taste in my mouth as your name crosses my mind again today.

I am not supposed to feel like this anymore,

it has been 4 years.

4 years.

I've processed and repressed this over and over again to the point of being able to laugh at the misfortune that was October 14th 2016.

But today I am sad.

Today I am angry.

Today I wish I could go back and time and punch you square in the face.

You deserve every bit of pain that would have caused you.

Consent is not silence.

Consent is not laughing.

Consent is not "yeah I guess."

Consent is not "He threatened to kill himself if it weren't for me so I have to say yes."

Consent is not the manipulation of a 14 year old autistic girl.

The cop who arrested you was a family friend.

Is that why you got away?

Is that why they said I was the one who was lying?

Or was it the fact that law enforcement doesn't care about molestation if it was over a pair of black skinny jeans?

All of these thoughts run through my brain today along with some of the sentences you spoke from your broken mouth.

The countless why's after my no's.

"I just want to practice."

The blatant disrespect of

"I know you said you didn't want to see this but I'm showing you anyway."

You broke me down and my own mouth failed me as I told you about my struggles.

You told me you'd kill yourself if it weren't for me.

How was I supposed to respond to that?

I will never forget when I mentioned my self harm and you grabbed my wrist,

turned it over,

and stared.

You just stared at the healing cuts on my arm and didn't say a single word.

Why did you do that?

Why was I stupid enough to tell you about the secrets of my broken mind?

I guess deep inside I needed someone to talk to.

And you happened to be listening.

I wonder if your intentions started out as malicious.

Did you plan to do this from the beginning?

Or did your sick thoughts escalate in the moment?

You know I went home that night and didn't cry?

I stayed numb for 3 days.

Sitting in silence,

staring into nothing,

my thoughts too turbulent to pin down.

But after those 3 days I watched my world crumble into dust.

The healing skin on my wrist became weak again as it was filled with new red lines,

a true mark of my inner pain.

I will never forget the words spoken to me a week after it happened as I was waiting to be questioned about the incident by an investigator.

"I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing."

That was the first time that had been said to me.

I hope that therapist knows how much I needed to hear that.

I spent day after day trying to forget what you'd done.

Month after month trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad.

I tried to end my life the night I found out what they said about me.

That it was ruled a "false accusation."

I vomited when you told me your parents "strongly considered counter suing."

Are you kidding me?

That had to be some kind of joke.

Your parents are morons and so are you.

My words towards you are bitter tonight Ian and they have every right to be.

While yes I have forgiven you it was not for you.

It was for me.

It was so I could put my turbulent thoughts to rest.

But I will never forget.

As I end this night I end it with a content smile.

I spent the day surrounding myself with all the things I love.

Things that put you in the back of my mind rather than the front.

Even though today and the days leading up to it were a bit hard,

I can sit here and say I've healed with sincerity.

You broke me.

But I healed myself.

And I'm proud of myself for doing so.