AFTER DARK

Chapter 18

That night I laid awake, exhausted from the tug of war going on between my mind and my heart. I wanted to share the secret of my heart with him, but I was afraid it would damage our friendship.

It's amazing how both your mind and your heart belong to you but are not in accord with each other. Trapped between them is your poor soul, waiting to be satiated. The mind reasons with you, forcing you to weigh all the pros and cons; whereas your heart wants what it wants and cares about nothing else; because the heart too, knows what's the right thing to do. Doesn't your heart speak the voice of your soul?

There were people I cared about, their honour, their wishes ... the fact that Rehan and I came from two different worlds and had had our own set of struggles in life; not to mention that Rehan was a self-made man who deserved the best in life, and was perhaps too good for me, or maybe I wasn't good enough ... these thoughts haunted me like the ghosts of my past, looming over me and my future alike.

But my heart had a different story to tell, a story of love; of being loved and of the feeling of being in love with somebody. Like this mere word could heal my pain and would slowly take me back to life.

'Call me Rehan! Call me!' I cried, turning on my bed. 'Let me hear your voice -- let me hear you say that you love me. I need to hear it from you ... I need to know the feeling's mutual.

There were times when I thought to give up on Rehan like many things I gave up on in life, yet I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried, but every time I shut the door on him, I found myself with him again -- either in thoughts or a thousand other ways. Even in silence, I found him.

Perhaps I should let the waves carry me towards the shores of destiny, for how could I rip off the bandage that is slowly healing my wounds? How could I scratch the love out of me? Of course I cannot!

I can't go on any longer like this -- I can't hold my love for him in my heart -- I must tell him. But what if he just came into my life for one reason: to make me forget my past; to move on in life, just to help me get back on my feet? What if we weren't meant to take the next step? What if we were just two people walking on a parallel road, never to be united in this life?

Ah' God help me be free of this heartache! Or give me the wisdom to understand the purpose of all this. I understand that it is only when the grape is crushed that the sweet nectar drips from it, but have I not suffered enough already?