AFTER DARK

Chapter 19

A speck of light entered through the blinds of the hotel window. My eyes were still opened.

I had not slept all night. All I kept thinking about was what Rehan must be thinking about me; what Daria was thinking.

I did not hear from Rehan in a couple of days. He did leave me an occasional message or two; sometimes even an affirmation, which actually helped me get through the day, but he didn't have the real talk with me.

Perhaps, he got the hint that I had deeper feelings for him, and this made him pull back a little. Why are people so afraid of dealing with real emotions? Is it too much to ask of someone? Maybe I just revealed it all too soon.

The feeling of losing the one good thing that was coming my way crushed me. Did I make a mistake by rushing into things with Rehan? Clearly he wasn't wooing me into loving him or anything. He just happened to be the one who pulled me out of my worst nightmare. But I had bared my soul right in front of him -- and he still embraced me. How could I not love him then? He not only embraced me, he showed me that I was still loveable, something that I had long given up on.

With such thoughts in my mind, I watched the blinds go brighter and brighter, until the sun was out completely. There was no place to hide my tears now, I had to get up and wash my face, before Daria found me in this state.

Daria was still asleep, so I quickly sneaked into the washroom; took a long shower, then faced the music of the day.

The moment I stepped out of the washroom, Daria confronted me.

"You've got bags under your eyes -- did you cry the whole night?" She asked, drawing a concerned gaze at me.
"It's nothing," I mumbled, walking away from her.
"It's not nothing, okay?" She persisted, walking behind me. "Did that Rehan say something to you?"
"No ... huh," I sighed at the funny thought that entered my mind.
"What? What is it?" She asked, impatiently.
"Nothing, just don't bother me please."

Daria fell silent. She did not probe any further, as (from some past experiences) she knew it was not the way to go about with me.

Instead, she brought me a glass of water, so I could swallow my daily dose of a dozen pills.

It wasn't a big deal anymore. I was used to living on pills. It was all a temporary fix, but even that was not the case lately. No matter how many pills I popped into my mouth, it didn't make me better. But I still took them because Mama and Daria felt better when I took them.

My life has always been this way. I've spent the better part of it pleasing others because I thought I was a disappointment to everyone. I began to think even God was disappointed with me, that's why my life was so miserable. But Rehan said it was not like that at all -- he said that Allah was the Most Compassionate and Ar Rahman because He loved us. 'The world may close its doors on us, but Allah's door always remains open for us.'

When he spoke that way, I actually felt better. The funny thing was: sometimes even he did not know what he was saying or the way he was making me feel, but that all made it more real to me.

The feeling though, never lasted for long, for the moment I'd disconnect with him, I'd feel lost all over again.

Something had to be done -- I couldn't just wait in dismay. So after long hard thought, I went outside, away from Daria, and called him up.

A couple of bells went by, there was no response. I waited anxiously for him to pick up the phone. I had already made up my mind that I would confess my love to him and put everything on the table.

Finally, on the sixth bell, he picked up the phone and said, "Salam Sarah, how are you?"