The Hollowed

Chapter 3

I can't sleep at night anymore.
Im up Late and when I finally do fall asleep,I get woken up by the growing anxiety.

It crawls over my skin like phantom fingers,cold as death.

I don't understand why I can't talk to people,I've never been able to.

I hate public places,too many eyes.
Eyes. Eyes.

Stop...Stop looking at me!....please.

Im aware of every passing face and movement, they bleed together.

I feel too vulnerable,too exposed to all the prying eyes.
It always feels like someone is watching, watching my every move,tracking me everywhere I go.
Like they can see whats truely inside me,laid bare to their ever-watching gaze.

I feel safe in my room,on my bed,
It's my only safe heaven.No one can touch me here. No one.

But books are a good distraction for me,a diffrent world with diffrent people and diffrent possibilities,an entire new life.An escape, one I enjoy as much as I can.

Every passing day doesn't get any better. Who, in today's fractured and broken world, actually cares about anyone other than themselves?
Why would you waste 10 minutes on someone or something that won't matter in 2 years?

Or you get the classic  Are you ok?
Yes! I'm fanfuckentastic!
Why do you even care?
Your probably only asking to feel better about yourself. Because you just asked someone who doesn't look too happy why their sad.
Did you expect me to pour all my shit out to you?
Who are you to have that right?

Im angry, Im so angry with everything.
Im angry at my Sister for treating me like her dog.
Im angry at myself for not being strong enough.
I'm angry with my mother for leaving me.
You left me here, to fend for myself,
All alone and broken.

I miss you.

I miss your tight hugs.
I miss your beautiful voice.
I miss your funny laugh.
I just miss you.

My Father never truly cared. He only spilled more lies from those sin-stained lips.
"I love you", yeah..so did I.
Your actions never matched your words. I want you to know that I blame you too.

Now you message and call me saying stuff like your sorry. Sorry, for everything you've done. Sorry for not being there for me, Sorry for not being a man and a better Father.
Im sorry too.

How's the latest Girlfriend by the way? Yeah she's also trying to play mother with me.

I don't want you in my life.All i used to want was you. But you broke that.

I keep telling myself that I only have about a year and a few months.Then I can dissappear and never come back. A year and a few months then I can be free. I can be free and no one can tell me what to do. I will dissappear and lose all contact with everyone.
Start over somewhere where no one knows who I am.
No one.

I want to improve my art. I love painting and crafting stuff, and clay too. But oil paint is my favourite.
I like losing myslef in my art and music, they help me escape.
I've sold some of my art for some good money, and I'm thinking of making it my business.

But no one will ever truly know what my art means, what their actually looking at. I geuss that's every artists secret. No one will know the true meaning behind my art.