The Hollowed

Chapter 1

**Warning, this is personal content related to depression,anxiety and sadness.If you are light-hearted,do not read this.**

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How do I even start?

At the beginning, middle or this exact moment?
How do I describe my feelings and emotions to someone other that me?I've never been good at sharing my emotions or thoughts, but why not try something new?

...

Have you ever felt that...deafening  quiet..
Lingering around corners and edges of your emotions?

The numbness threatening to never leave..like the phantom caress of hands,your only friends.

A gaping, hollow crevice behind your everyday mask...how do I put something like that into words..?

...

My Mother and Father never really had the best relationship, they were always either fighting or loving eachother in a sick kind of way,like you love someone but you also hate them.

My Mother was a stong and kind hearted woman.She was the kind of person with fire behind her eyes, wanting out but trapped in a skin cage.She was always working for a better life for me and my sister, unfaltering and determined.

My Father was carefree and enjoyed the plesures of other women when my Mother was away. Sometimes draging me along for a "fun weekend at a friend's,". It usually ended up in my Mother draging my Father's sorry carcass back home with nothing but unbending steel in her face, and shame and pleading regret on my father's sin-stained lips.

I still loved them both very much, and at the end of the day, it didn't matter what they did wrong.They still stayed my parents.

My sister and I didn't exactly get along very well.We had the typical sister fights about space and the "who copied who" things. She's older than me by 7 years, sounds like a big gap right? I never actually got the chance to tell her that I love her very much, even though we are closer today than we were all those years back.

Sort of a normal childhood if you put aside the neglect in fatherly love and the cold but burning love of my Mother.

After all those years, my mother finally freed herself of my Father's week after week betrayal and..they got divorced. We moved across states and lived with my eldest half sister for about a year.

I never truly loved her.She was cold burning fire that smoked you out from the inside, and like my mother, had the unbreakable steel in her very essence.She is not one for kind words or light joking, and was never one that spoke softly. But we lived with her,my Mother slowly fracturing.

We eventually got by and lived in our own house,and things kind of started to go back to normal.Then my Mother discovered she had breast cancer, and the battle began.She survived breast cancer after having her breast cut off.
I will never forget the smell and noises transferring around in the Hospital. I've never been fond of them since.

My Mother had a relaps with the cancer and...she didn't make it.

Gone is that unyielding and buring soul. Pieces of myself went with her burning body.

For the next few years I moved in with my Eldest half Sister,and I've blamed myself for my Mothers death ever since.
I blamed myself for her death because of one selfish wish that came true..
I will never forgive myself.

The past 6 years I've spent living with my sister are hell.Like slowly being grated like a piece of cheese, piece by piece falling away.

No one can know how I truly feel inside.Few have tried to learn,but none made the hard treck of effort to find out.
..
I'm broken.
I'm broken and no one understands..

I've spent years bottling up emotion after emotion,placing each into tightly compact boxes and placing them at the back of the factory.Never daring to so much as touch one of these boxes.

Their gathering dust.

Stealling away my soul piece by nibbeling piece and hiding them between the rows of maze like boxes.

And because of all that compressing and not having the strength to voice my small dieing flame, I grow weaker with each dieing ember.

So..
     Very..
              Slowly..

I can't voice my emotions without the factory doors sliding open and emotions come flooding out in waves of tears. I've never been able to fully comprehend what exactly I'm feeling,

but it's mostly....hollow...numb.

An empty crevice with never ending darkness.

My sister brakes me down.If it's not in tasks like watching her Children, washing dishes or cleaning until you've gone numb, then it's emotionally..-or verbaly.

I've never been able to shake the dissapointment in her cold eyes.Or the passionate hatered with which she likes to shout at me whenever I do something wrong.

I can never seem to please her.

I'm tired..I'm so fucking tired.

My mask is cracking and I can't hide anymore.The mask's once smooth surface has so many cracks and chips that I can't repair it. It's near crumbling.

I've tried to voice my slowly burning rage,but my emotions and my opinions get shot down. She makes me feel like my emotions and opinions are small, unimportant.

I only ever feel right when someone points out that what she is doing is wrong. But they can't intervene, they can't, or she will fracture me more.
She can't understand why I never talk to them. Why I'm always in my room..

and why I'm sometimes so quiet.

But when I do, I'm shot down like some prized mare on hunting season.
"I care about you," , "You know I love you, right?" Have never seemed like bigger lies.

Am I over reacting?

Is it the typical teenager stage?

..or..........

Am I right with no way out?
I have an option,but I'm too much of a coward to do it, to face her and tell her that she's wrong. That not everything is about her, That she's not always right, and that she can't just blame and turn on everyone like a rabid dog when something in her life goes wrong..

I'm so scared of what she will do to me, I'm so, so scared of her reaction.

I'm so scared she finds this.

She started to go to a professional therapist to help her with her anger issues.

It's not working.
She still thinks because she's the adult that everything she says is right and it's law. That everything she says and does must be respected, that she must be respected.
I lost all my respect for her years ago.

Along with any trace of love.

Why god?why did you put me here?