The Answer Is Within these Walls

Ayat Anand Joshi

TRIGGER WARNING:BULLYING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION

PAST

8th July 2016

1:00pm


We were sitting in the cafeteria. All of four us. As usual everyone fought to sit next Falak. Whoever lost had to sit next to me.

“You could never be loved, you’re too ugly for that” Mishka told me as a  matter of fact. She won most of the times and was sitting next to Falak. I was stuck sitting next to Meher. I just nodded.

It hurt badly I didn’t understand why. It was so stupid to cry over a fact that no boy could ever like me. Boys were stupid and weird things like love only existed in the movies. It still hurt and I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what. I never had any friends. Everyone in kindergarten mostly avoided me like a plague. Even the teachers thought I was too weird and never bothered to talk to me. A few did only because I used to score so well. They were my first set of friends. I didn’t know anything about friendship. This is what best friends do I thought. Tell people things that they won’t hear from strangers. It hurt but I believed her. I believed that I couldn’t be loved

Kabir sat at the end of the table. He looked so beautiful. Like all the stars had decided to only shine light on this one mortal and nobody else. Like the flowers elapsed scent only for his call. My heart warmed for him, I hated it I didn’t know why

Mishka followed my glance
“Hey Kabir, Ayat wants to marry you!”

It was a taunt. She knew I couldn’t have him. Kabir only loved Kyra. It was like he couldn’t stop staring at her . I never hated Kyra. I knew it wasn’t her fault he liked her

I felt small.  All the noises in the cafeteria melted and the room grew bigger. I could feel everyone in the room staring at me. All of them sneering on this weird girl who dared to even think to like someone. As if she would even be considered. I cowered my face, I felt guilty. So guilty, that I knew that if there was a jury they’d award me the death sentence and that in itself would be my blessing

Kabir looked at me. He didn’t smile, he didn’t scowl but his eyes narrowed. Like he pitied  me for what I didn’t know.

2:15 pm

I was the last one to walk up to the class. They left me because I was too late to wash my hands because I was holding their bags. I slowly walked up to class. Everyone was staring at me even the middle school students. They hadn’t been in the cafeteria. They must have heard. I lowered my head down and walked faster.

I walked in and Kabir was staring at me like I had sinned. He had a book in his hand. Forget that everyone in the room had a book in their hands. My books. With Mishka's bright bold letters on the top. “KABIR WEDS AYAT". I felt like the room started shaking. Everything just blurred and unblurred. I walked up to mishka. I couldn’t feel myself. It wasn’t even me.
I yelled at her. Words formed on my tongue and I didn’t even recognize them. Let alone remember them. Mishka stilled in her place. She took up a eraser and started erasing every font on every book.

I don’t know what I said but in that moment I realized that anger was my only salvation.