pls vote on this chapter and reply with some inline and/or main comments to let me know what you think of my review so that I know you have it. Your response too would be greatly appreciated. <3
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THE COVER AND TITLE
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the title gives the teen fiction feel,, which is great because it gives the setting a foundation.
I also like the sub text on top of the title, it gets the reader interested although the content of it suggests for elements of drama to be woven into the book. The font may be a bit basic but i still like that the title stands out.
SUMMARY
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I like the summary has context to the characters so that the readers can really get into the book. Subconsciously knowing the tone, contents of the high school drama, clichés etc.
I feel like being introduced only to Mary Sue and Rallen Ridge is the only necessary element as exposition to most of all the characters may be information dumping and too much to digest.
I'm aware that it is to enforce the stereotypes and clichés for that guilty pleasure read but, I feel that the reader can already expect those aspects of the story such as the sporty best friend and the popular football star.
THE CHARACTER(S)
The introduction to Mary is amazing, she already feels like the perfect cliche, the girl who everyone has to be jealous of.
Rallen, Tina and Matthew have some great descriptions through precise language and their personalities are great for teen fiction.
GRAMMAR
I like that you keep the paragraphs short, it helps maintain attention.
I feel that some paragraphs can make use of better phrasing, especially when they are descriptive pieces
Ex: where you say 'Her hand stretched out and hit the top of the alarm, making it go quiet.' can be phrased as 'Her long arms stretch to silence the red alarm, finally providing her with peace from its boisterous screams' this way you add deeper descriptions and also paint her features physically 'long arms' and that she can be short-tempered or easily irritable.
I get that you use quick descriptions for side characters that don't really matter but instead of saying an awkward nerdy guy maybe adding 20 more words to show how would help more.
Ex: 'The guy with greasy hair and cracked glasses asked me, drooling froth at the seams' or 'The guy in an old sweater that smelt like his mother mumbled through the pages of the book that he was buried in' it can also be more interesting as the character is given more depth like gross nerdy vs smart nerdy,, y'kno.
I like how the dynamics vary and how you establish her as more of the 'mean girl'
+ how you make her thoughts in italics, it avoids confusion and looks aesthetic.
Some more points on show not tell, I like that you give exposition to characters but doing it in CH2 where its all narrated instead of meeting them at a setting like on the football field for Matthew. Also showing that he was a ladies girl by having a friend of Mary from her clique swoon over him etc. This may have been better but the information given about them (Matthew and Tina) is still entertaining
The way you use proper punctuation in dialogues is great but whenever she speaks to her mum it always feels very unnatural.
Pay attention to how realistic dialogues should be esp in CH1 based on people and the relationship they share. Mary and her mother seem to have a good relationship but it feels robotic with the communications they share. Other than that the dialogues between friends seems realistic and fitting for a high school teenager.
You can also focus more on the setting in CH3 for the classroom setting to show that its a science class that may be more engaging.
PLOT
I feel the plot follows Mary Suue, how she's the 'all star' and practically worshipped at school, throughout the three chapters it just seems like various episodes of school days. Mary does not really show much depth in character or development but considering that its almost a chicklit or casual read it is rather entertaining for the genre of teen fiction.
Having read only three chapters, I will say that the plot does not progress as much but that is also because your chapters have a small word count which is good in its own self as it makes reading easier.
VOCABULARY
I like the vocabulary, it seems standard there is room for improvement in terms of adjectives. Many words are re-used like blonde, gorgeous etc so you could surely use more similes and synonyms in your work.
EXTRAS
I feel like Mary is either too mean or too nice, a balance would be good. The other characters are fine because they conform to their stereotypical archetypes.
Also well done on completing your work im sure you worked especially hard on it through consistency. I can't imagine finishing any of my writing projects so props to you!!
OVERALL SCORE : 6/10
(note: the book is a great guilty pleaure reads. The only critique i really have is relationship dynamics and visual imagery apart from that the punctuation, spelling etc are neat and well put together. I hope that your book gets more exposition, you seem to have put a lot of work into it. Good luck, Christine!)
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N O T E
payments have been updated in the 'forms & extras' chapter and probably will get updated again also sorry for disappearing or whatevah saoxj pretty sure ive reached out to everyone who requested a review of i haven't please dm or comment me about inquires ++ anything else :)
