The Love Illusion

Chapter 10 - College

I come downstairs, nearly tripping on a magazine at the bottom which reads 'The Ultimate Guide To College'.

"Mom?" I call out, entering the kitchen. She's sitting at the table starring at her laptop intensely. "Mom, are you okay?"

She breaks out of her weird spell and smiles at me. "Yeah sorry just looking at all these colleges."

I roll my eyes, "How many times do I have to tell you, I don't-"

"Want to go to college." she cuts me off, "Mollie, you have to go to college. Do you seriously suppose that you're going to continue at Starbucks for the rest of your life?"

"No of course not but-"

"Come sit next to me." She pats the chair next to her. I sigh and flop myself down.

With the mouse, she circles a name of one of the colleges.

"This one sounds good. It's got an interesting geography course and it's only an hour away."

"So it's still in Colorado?" I say, numbly.

"Yes, Mollie - you know we don't have that kind of money, we never have had that kind of money. If we could afford it there is nothing I would do to let you travel the world."

"Yep."

"What's gonna be so bad about college anyway? You'll make new friends and you'll get some independence, the best part is you only have to study what you want - geography."

"Mom, you don't get it do you? I don't want to study geography for another three years; I want to travel. It's a longing inside of me - I just, I need to escape. I wanna see things I've never seen before, I wanna meet people who speak different languages and have different cultures, I wanna run and swim and fly and breathe in places that I never knew existed. Because life is short and I want to experience as much as I possibly can in the time that I'm given. College isn't going to do that for me, Colorado isn't going to do that for me."

"Mollie, I know. But we don't have the money, the world is wide and not all of it is good. You're only eighteen."

I nod, "I understand."

But I don't. I'll never understand why I have this passion and she doesn't.

We spend another hour looking at colleges in Colorado, mom thinks they all sound great but I don't.

"Resumes are due in a week, Mol. You better get writing."

I nod and start walking away, then my phone beeps. I practically claw it out of my pocket.

"Is there something Mollie? You've been clung to it for a while."

"No," I say, "Nothing."

There's a message from Sadie asking about some biology homework but nothing from him. It's been a month and I've been constantly refreshing his Instagram page, reading what he's getting up to but I see through it all: the carefully worded captions written by managers; the fake smiles in photos; the way he holds up his hand to the press, shielding his face. He's broken and I'm the only one who knows it.