flashback

twenty

Three hours.

I've been driving for three hours and I don't even know where I'm going. I don't know where to go.
I don't have anywhere to go and I don't have anyone to confide in.

Although I'm used to it, it would be nice to not be alone once in a while. To have someone to talk to about my messed up life.

Not many people know me and everything that has happened to me and no one has cared enough to ask.

Ofcourse I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd just like to know that they gave a damn. But it doesn't matter anyway. No ones at fault.

I could open up to someone.
Trust someone.
Tell someone.
But I've somehow convinced myself that its attention seeking behaviour and that my secrets should stay buried because it's better for me and everyone around me. Plus, I don't want any pity. I despise being pitied.

...

I've been on the road to nowhere for four hours now and I'm starting to get a little bit hungry. I drive for a little bit longer until I find a really small gas station shop.

Just as I turn to reach for my purse, I realize that I didn't even bring it with me. I always keep some cash in my phone case so instead, I reach for my phone. Only to discover that I didn't bring that either. Leaning my head against my steering wheel, I let out a loud sigh.

I sit there for a while, thinking about how stupid this was of me. Why did I leave? I could have made Lucas leave. It is my dorm after all. Now I'm at some random shop, with no money, no phone and nobody, except for Lucas knows that I've left and he doesn't even know where I went. What if I get kidnapped or something?

I make the mental note to use my brain next time I literally run away from a conversation about my mother. That would probably be more helpful for myself.

I open the small compartment between my seat and the passenger seat to see if I have any small notes in there to at least buy myself a drink. Luckily, I do. Its only six dollars but that works so I jump out of my car and walk inside.

Five minutes later, I have a chocolate muffin and two bottles of water. I quickly finish the muffin before starting my car and making my way back to my dorm. This drive sure as hell calmed me down but I am never, ever doing that again.

...

Another 4 hours later and I'm back at my dorm. I walk in and its exactly how I left it but without Lucas and I'm grateful. I grab ten dollars out of my purse and put it inside my car, just incase I have to run away from a conversation about my dad next time.

I look around for my phone and find it on the floor next to my bed. It must have fallen when I was leaving. The only texts I have are from Lucas. He must not have noticed my phone dropping.

"Can we talk?"

"Jo, don't ignore me."

"I talked to your mom and she seems like shes better now."

"Shes sober, Jo."

"Josette!!!"

"Are you okay???"

"Text me!"

"Its been three hours Josette."

"I'll come look for you."

"Call me Jo."

I appreciate his effort but it's for all the wrong reasons. He needs to not try and fix my life. It's too broken and when he tries to help, it just make it worse.

Before he drives all the way to Alcraft to look for me, I send him a quick message.
"I'm okay. Stop trying to fix me." It says.

As soon as its sent, he reads it and my phone starts to ring. I decline the call twice before I realize that he isn't going to stop.

"Leave me alone Lucas." I say.

"Jo, you need to talk to your mother." He tells me.

"Are you back in your dorm room? Im coming over." He says and my car keys basically jump back into my hands themselves.

"I'm not back yet." I lie.

"Where are you?" He asks.

"If I told you, you'd try to find me." I say.

"We have to talk Jo, she's your mo-" I cut him off.

"She's not my mom and she never will be."
"Yeah, she gave birth to me but that doesn't mean a thing because she hurt me, Lucas. Not just once and not just emotionally. She also physically abused me and if you think that I'm just going to forgive her for everything that she has done because she's sober now then you have completely lost it." I pause.
"If you cant accept that then......I don't know." I add calmly. "Just respect my choices. Please." I say and hang up.

He doesn't try to call back and I hope that he won't.

My phone chimes.
"Fine. But everyone deserves more than one chance." The text reads.
Oh, Lucas. If only you knew how many chances I gave that woman.

I don't reply. Instead I turn off my phone and get to cleaning up my dorm room.

I havent had a flashback today.

I hate my flashbacks.