Silence is Deafening

Chapter 29

August 31.

According to the calendar, it was August 31. That meant that tomorrow, Ginny and I would go to London and board the Hogwarts express to school. We wouldn't be greeted at the feast by Dumbledore this year. No, there would be no Dumbledore speech anymore. No one would tell us to "tuck in" or that the pumpkin tarts were especially good. Dumbledore was dead. He was buried somewhere on the Hogwarts grounds. His body was probably rotting now.

It made my insides churn in disgust.

"Are you okay?" Ginny asked me, snapping me out of my trance. I had been staring at the wall for some time now, thinking about Dumbledore's body.

"What? Oh- yeah...yeah I'm fine." I said, chuckling slightly. Ginny eyed me in a worried manner, clicking her tongue.

"Liz...I can smell you from here. Have- you haven't been drinking again, have you?" Ginny asked nervously.

Truthfully, I had. In the last month, I had finally discovered something that took my mind off of Draco. I had finally been able to stop picturing his grey, steel eyes. I didn't think about the way his calloused hands and cold rings felt against the inside of my hip or how intoxicating his voice sounded when he said my name.

The firewhiskey just made it all a little more bearable.

"I- not much, Ginny. It just...it helps, you know? Everyone's got...their thing. It's not like it's out of hand." I promised her, plastering a grin onto my face.

I was lying to my best friend. I was a 16 year old with a full blown drinking problem. Can you believe? I don't really think anyone could blame me. We were in the midst of a bloody war, for crying out loud. There were worse things that could happen.

Ginny nodded, still looking at me worriedly.

"Are you scared to see him? Malfoy?" She asked, her words piercing through the cloud that the firewhiskey had provided. Why the fuck did she have to do that? Now I was going to have to take a few more swigs to re-instill the cloud. I sighed in exasperation.

"Of course I am, Gin. Last time I even heard his voice I tried to murder him. I can't exactly do that, can I?" I said, looking down at my hands. They had been sore for days after that, but I couldn't get the mental picture out of my mind. Draco, his lips turning blue, his eyes bulging wide. My hands, feeling the bumpy cartilage of his throat, pressing my weight down and squeezing.

Suddenly, I began to feel a little unhinged. Thinking of Draco did that to me. It was like it was changing me from the inside out. The entire summer holidays, I had been feeling as though I was teetering on the brink of sanity. Seeing Draco had tipped the scales.

"No, I suppose not." Ginny said, with a breathless laugh. She stretched out on her bed, giving me one last look.

"Well, get some sleep. I'm sure it would be easier to face Malfoy if you weren't sleep deprived." She said, another giggle slipping from her lips. I nodded, but pushed myself into a standing position. Ginny looked at me in confusion.

"Bathroom." I smiled, and Ginny settled back onto her pillows.

I wasn't lying. I was going to the bathroom. I slipped inside and closed the door, muttering a locking spell. There, in the back of the cabinet, hidden by some bottles, was my remedy. My anesthesia.

I took it out and spun the cap off, bringing it to my lips. After a few sips, I slipped the bottle back into it's hiding place and looked into the mirror.

I looked shattered. My face was gaunt and hollowed out. Last year, I had been so nervous and excited for my first day at Hogwarts. This year, I had no idea who that girl was. The girl staring back in the mirror at me looked vulnerable. Her copper hair hung down to her mid back in messy waves. Her light brown eyes looked frantic and scared, like an animal who had been cornered.