Hunger (Damnation Book 1)

Chapter 17 - Exposed

My days and nights begin to blur. I'm sure I'm sleeping during the day because all the fighting happens at night. I don't know how many guys and girls I've beaten into a bloody pulp within an inch of their lives just to save my own pitiful life. I don't know how many fights I've been in. I don't know how many days I've been gone. All I know is that my hair is like eight inches longer than it was when I got here. It really needs to be thinned out. My curls are really starting to get rowdy. My body has leaned out too. I was never big, but now that soft layer I had making me look supple and sweet is gone. It's all muscle.

The only time I have actual human contact is when I'm fighting or practicing with Gabriel. If it wasn't for the talks I have with Triny while we're waiting, I think I'd go bat shit crazy, but I've learned things too. I know that we're near the Devil's Backbone. My dad probably owns this place too. Gabriel is pretty smart, hiding me under my own father's nose. Gabriel brings me food more regularly now and helps me train. Most nights, he stays with me until he knows I will sleep for longer than an hour. He's not as mean since my breakdown either. Still, in front of the other owners, he is all hard and tough. He isn't above giving me a beating for speaking out, which I do often. I mean, come on. I hate this guy. Even though he's nice, I don't forget what he is and why we are here. He killed Chase for no reason. He's going to kill me because apparently I'm too dangerous to the human population. He's torturing Michael because he was dumb enough to fall for an abomination, or more likely, not being able to complete his job. This guy has no soul, because that is something all angels lack. He may be more sympathetic towards me, but I will hurt him one day. I swear to God.

I also know my sister knows where I am. I've seen her at the fights. She smiles at me like she's won something. She'd never tell though. There's no love lost there. I hate her as much as she hates me. The only consolation I have is a promise I made to myself; to make her pay for the pain she's put me through if I get out of here alive. She could tell Daddy where I am and I'd be home in a matter of hours. Instead, she's just giving me the training I need to kick the living shit out of her and shoot her with her own damn gun. Other than a severe need to hurt anything that comes my way, I hardly feel anything at all. Actually, the better way to explain it is that I've stopped trying to feel because I feel too much. There is too much pain that if I let even a little bit of it in, I would crack under the pressure. After I told Gabriel my life story, I shut everything out. I can't go back to seeing those things again. The numbness is the best coping mechanism I have at my disposal. My anger is the second.

Then there's Michael. I know I should feel something for him, but I don't. I know I like him. Deep down, the attraction to him is still in there. However, there is this layer of hate and anger I've built around me pushes even that away. It's so tall and thick, I'm not sure it will ever go away. I'm not sure I want it to go away. If it goes away, how will I keep everything else away? If I didn't have it, I think I'd break. I need my anger to keep the pain away. It's the only way to keep the pain from the nightmares at bay. I feed enough at the matches to keep me alive, but I wouldn't consider what I do, living. It's just surviving.

Sure, sometimes I want to cry, but I don't. Other than that last night, I won't. It's a sign of weakness that I can't let Gabriel see. Gabriel can't know that I'm as broken as I am. The moment he finds out, my punishment is over. He will let Michael know I'm done and then he'd kill me. That's all there is to it. I'm not going to die because I can't keep my emotions in check. I used to pray for Michael to come find me, but I've realized hoping for something that's never going to happen is dumb. I'm sure if he really wanted to find me, he could. He's an archangel. There isn't anything they can't do. Why hasn't he come for me yet?

Oh, yeah. I know. He's an archangel and I'm a demon.

Who the hell was I kidding? Why did I ever even try to be with him? I should have just stayed away and I wouldn't have known any different. I swear, and God can quote me on this promise, that if I get back, I'm my Dad's girl, through and through. No matter what he's put me through, my father never lied to me. He explained everything I would be doing since I was thirteen years old and I would rather be hurt with the truth than with a lie. He may be the devil but at least he's honest and the same cannot be said about angels.

This has made me feel more exposed, more vulnerable than anything in my life, and that's saying something. Seriously, I was an exotic dancer, a hooker, and a whore for an angel. I've been a prize for guys since I was too young to even look like a real woman. There's no way to explain those guys other than they're severely sick and twisted. I've been pretty damn exposed. Gabriel has stripped all of that away and shown me for what I really am, a pretty piece of ass. I have no value anymore. I'm not sure I've ever actually had a value other than the price of an hour of my time. Every night, I wake up screaming from times I'd rather forget. I never realized how much my life has been filled with johns. Almost every memory I have is filled with one or the pursuit of one. The sad part is I'd rather go back to that life than stay here. It's so sick and messed up and I know my mind is completely fucked from the trials that have been my life. I'm tired of this. At the end of the night, I just pack another layer around my mind and try to forget.

Michael's absence speaks more than any of the words he's ever told me. His absence tells me he doesn't care I'm missing. With Chase gone, does anyone miss me? My mother hasn't tried to contact us since we moved in with our father. It's like we were old enough to leave her care so she didn't have to anymore. Gil may miss me. He's my brother and we've always looked out for one another. He's probably the only person in the world I can actually say loves me unconditionally. Now, I'm not going to miss Michael anymore either. Daddy may find me or he may not, but I'm not dying because of my attraction for Michael anymore. If I die, it's because Michael stopped caring about me.