Hunger (Damnation Book 1)

Chapter 20 - You've Been Found Wanting

My room is silent. The house is silent. It's weird to not hear anything in this place. Usually something is always going on. People generally come and go all the time. What's changed since I've been gone? I sit up. I've been trying to fall asleep for hours but I still can't sleep. I keep the blanket wrapped around me. It's so warm. That hole Gabriel kept me in was always freezing.

I move back to my chair. Pulling the blanket tighter around me, I try to block out the tapping of a branch on my balcony doors. Wait. A branch on my balcony doors? There aren't branches that close unless Daddy has let everything become way overgrown. I lift my face and squelch down the disappointment I feel as I see Michael outside my doors. What the hell is he doing here and who was I actually hoping for?

Uncurling myself from the blanket and chair, I walk over to the doors. I don't open them, not yet. I want him to sweat. I've been Gabriel's prisoner for a year because of this guy. I mean, I know I don't have the greatest taste in guys, but I definitely bit the big one when I went for this angel. Being the object of an angel's attraction is not very safe.

"May I come in?" he asks through the glass.

He's being courteous. I don't have to give him permission. He could have materialized into my room without a second thought. He's being nice by allowing me to choose whether I want to speak with him. Unlike my father, who would have come in whether I wanted him to or not. I hesitate for only a moment before opening the door. He smiles and I stare back at him, blankly. I step aside and let him come in. He moves to the center of my room like he doesn't know where to go. I grab my blanket and curl back up in my chair. He sits in the one Daddy occupied a few hours ago.

"Are you mad at me, Ro?" he asks just jumping into the conversation.

My eyes widen for a second and then I say, "You left me."

Michael looks at me incredulously. "I didn't leave you, Ro. I've been looking for you all year. I never gave up on you. Did you give up on me?" he retorts.

I take a deep breath. "I gave up on everything. No one tried to find me. Gabriel told me no one would find me. He just kept saying you didn't care anymore." After a moment's pause, I ask, "How did you find me, anyway?"

"One of your brothers saw you fighting," he explained. "Of course he waited until after the fight to call your father."

Someone saw me fighting Triny. Someone saw me kill her. I'm sure that brother is now scared shitless. That fight, plus the one with my sister is more than ample proof of my kick-ass-ery. "Oh," I say, not sure what else to add.

He reaches out to hold me and I push back as far as I can in the chair. I'm not sure how to handle being held by him right now. He looks at me funny and asks, "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing. He kept me locked in a room for a year with no human contact besides fighting. I don't like being touched."

"No," he contradicts me. "You don't like being touched by me."

I snort. "You just think so highly of yourself, don't you?"

"You let your brother touch you. You let those people at the funeral touch you. You let your father touch you. Hell, Ro. You were in Gabriel's arms when we found you. It appears I'm the only one you won't let touch you."

His outburst startles me. He's not wrong but I can't admit he's right. Then again, I've only barely tolerated the touch of those others. "Gabriel didn't do anything to me," I tell him. I feel he has the right to know. "He didn't, like, have sex with me or anything. And FYI, just because I could stand to be touched doesn't mean I liked it."

Michael's shoulders relax and I can see the tension seeping out of his limbs. "Did you trust me so little?" I ask, completely offended.

"No. I just know my brother and he takes what he wants," he admits.

Apparently not, I think to myself. Gabriel definitely finds me attractive, even if he won't say it out loud. Though he did admit he didn't want me to die because he had become fond of me. He was very much into the kissing though, and he liked being the one to chase away my nightmares. One thing is for sure; I'm never going to let another angel touch me again. He needs to know that too.

"Michael, I'm not going to start seeing you again."

The tension returns to his body. "Why not?"

I take a deep breath, ignoring the hurt in his voice, and say, "I can't. You're an archangel and I'm the daughter of Lucifer. I need to take care of me. You don't really want me anymore, anyway."

"Ro, you want to shut yourself down. Don't shut me out. Please," he pleads. His hand reaches out and I feel the backside of his fingers grazing my cheek. I feel the love he has for me. He didn't give up on me, but I know if I let down these walls I've had up for so long, there is no way I will survive. If I let him in, I'm going to die.

I can only take the warmth of his fingers for a few moments before I pull back. "Don't come back, Michael. I need to pull myself together and I can't do that with you here."

"Why can't I help?"

"You won't help me. You will make me weak again."

I never felt more vulnerable than I did when we were in our rocky relationship, if you could really call it that. It lasted only a week or two, but his love is addictive. All I wanted was to have him touch me. His touch was habit forming and I can't take that again. I won't allow myself to be that dependent on something ever again. I won't ever let my attraction for someone keep me from doing what I need to do to be strong.

"You don't love him, do you?" he whispers.

"No," I tell him. I don't know what I feel about him really. There are way too many strange emotions involved with me and Gabriel.

"Do you love me?"

I can't answer his question. My voice stops and my throat swells. I can't do it, not because I need him to leave, but because I'm not sure I ever did. I led him on so I could just keep him and his body close. Physical attraction isn't enough to make a relationship work. It isn't enough to encourage love, especially now that I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He's mad at me. I can feel his anger, but mostly it's hurt. He's hurt that I can't tell him I love him. I don't care. He's the one that took way too long to save me. In the end, he isn't even the one that did. One of my brothers did.

"I need you to leave now, please."

He nods. "At least sleep in your bed. This place may feel weird for now, but you need to get used to it again." He lifts me up and tucks me into my bed. "Sleep, Rosaline. When you are ready for me, I'll be here."

Michael leaves in a soft golden glow. It's warm and cozy feeling, like a soft kiss on my skin. I turn my head into the pillow and easily fall asleep this time.