My NOT So Secret Lover

How Hard Was it to Say?

Gulf was angry. Two weeks later and he was still mad at them all. Mew sighed as Gulf pushed passed him, still refusing to talk to him. After the police had made their arrest and he had found out all the details, cried and cursed in private, he had punched Mew. Hard. If it was a movie, the credits would have rolled.

Mew stared at his retreating back and and sighed again. Director Tee came up from behind and patted his back. "Steel yourself, you've got a difficult scene to film today. You have to act like a loving couple. It's a pivotal scene."

Mew nodded. "It's not hard. I do love him, I just let the shield down and let the love show." He turned and leaned back against the wall. "So who was the mole snapping the pictures?"

Tee shook his head. "You're smart, Mew, but you're not paying attention these days. I've already fired him. He was selling you both out. The police said he made millions off you two from the reporter and her shit company." Tee started walking. "We've pressed charges on behalf of you two. I wish I could give you time to heal."

Mew pushed back his hair and ran for the bathroom. He was an actor. Why was this time harder than the last time? He sunk to the floor and covered his face, taking deep breaths. He could do this, he could. So what if Gulf never understood? He stood, and like  the director told him, gathered all his courage and squared his shoulders.

He opened the door and stepped out, looking perfect. He walked on the set with his easy smile and greeted all other cast and crew normally. His eyes twinkled. He shined. Gulf turned and felt his heart crack. Mew wasn't missing him at all... 

Gulf had grown up. It had hurt to be left behind, but once the bridges were gone he didn't know how to rebuild them. So he honed his acting craft and hid. No one, other than a few close people knew he how angry and hurt he really was. He made it it through another day. He slumped at his desk and pressed his fingers to his temples. Each day he still felt like crying as if it was that first night. 

Gulf looked at the old script from today and picked up the pen. With wrinkles in his forehead, he wrote to his love, he wrote out his feelings. He wondered why he had never done this before?

My love, My Mew, 

I don't know why you didn't trust me. It hurt. I have so many questions but I'm afraid to know the answers, so I won't ask. I created this chasm. I can't cross it now. 

I fell in love with you with from the first kiss. You made me feel things I never wanted to feel. I fought and fought those feelings. I hate those feelings, not because they're with you, but because you wanted to deny them too.

It hurts too much to know you've never trusted me. Not once. So why did you let me in to begin with? WHY? WHY? WHY? Death threats? Blackmail and all because of me. You need to be safe so I will disappear. I'm a child who doesn't need to know... 

I can disappear...

Vanish!

Gulf crumpled the paper and tossed it. His heart felt lighter. He felt lighter. He strode out of the studio and into the night. He never noticed Mew watching him, wondering why he stayed so long tonight?

Mew entered the room Gulf just vacated and looked around. He WAS there alone. Why was he there so long? They always said Mew was smart, so why did he feel so stupid with Gulf? His eyes dropped to the pen on the small table. Mew scanned the room again and spotted crumpled paper in the trash. 

He walked over and with two fingers, plucked it out. He bent his head and thought, Do I? Swiftly, he put the crumpled paper in his pocket and left. He too, made his choice.

The condo was a lonely place with just Mew and Chopper. Chopper danced around his feet as Mew prepared his dinner. He set down the tiny bowl of kibble and sank to the couch with a cup of his favourite green tea and stared at the ball of crumpled paper. 

Mew had taken to talking aloud in his home. That was how deeply he missed Gulf's presence. "Why am I so scared to read your words, Gulf?" He muttered. Chopper, thinking he called him, jumped up and snuggled. Automatically, Mew cuddled the small dog and bravely, flattened the paper.

His heart fluttered when he read the first few words. Gulf loved him? He closed his eyes and took several stabilizing breaths. It felt like a goodbye letter. If it was, why did he throw it away? Mew's hands shook as he read on.

By the end, Mew was not heartsick any longer. He, too, was angry now. Gulf was choosing to make the same damn mistake that he made! There was nothing that together they could not solve. Carefully, he folded the letter and slipped it inside his wallet. Tomorrow, this was going to end, one way or the other. 

Mew walked on to the set and cheerily greeted everyone. Gulf's eye's followed him gloomily. He had went back to the room to destroy the letter later but it had gone. He sighed. The cleaning lady must have emptied the trash already. That was fine, his feelings could go up in smoke. He had a pounding headache and the tablets he taken didn't seem to be working yet. 

Gulf stood and went back to the dressing room, rubbing his temples. Director Tee watched him walk off. Mew walked over to the Director. Mew glanced at Tee, "He's not handling this well."

Tee nodded, "I think you were right. I think we should have allowed you to tell him the full situation. Should I explain it was an executive decision?"

Mew's mouth twisted, and Tee frowned. Was that a smile on his face or what? Mew suddenly spoke, "I don't think that Gulf would believe anything that came from your mouth, Tee. He needs to learn to have faith. To trust in people, especially in those that love him." Mew shrugged and sighed. "I don't know if he's bi or gay and I don't think he does either."

Tee raised his eyebrows. "Do you care? You love him."

Mew now smiled. "You're right, I don't care. But you should know who you are, inside and out, before you can love someone else, Tee. Only then can you give your own heart away." Mew walked away smiling. 

Director Tee shook his head slowly. How hard is it to say to someone, "I love you. I will love you forever?" Wasn't that why he had two kids already?