DAWNING POINT (AgeTabooRomance)

Chapter 19

Author's Note: I had so much fun with this chapter! I literally sat at my computer all day to get this to you guys. It's definitely a darker chapter than the rest, so brace yourselves. Don't say I didn't warn you. ;) Don't forget to comment and vote xx

My head rested against the closed window as I watched the neighbouring streets roll by, one after one. Fresh air would have been better than the icy air conditioning blowing on full at my already chilled skin, but I was shivering even before I'd hopped in the car.

What the hell was I thinking?

I felt knotted, the sensation in my stomach like I'd eaten questionable food or rode one of those spinning rides at a fair that made your insides churn. What made it worse was that I knew the alcohol wasn't the culprit this time because I'd stopped drinking more than an hour ago and I'd been more than cautious with my water intake tonight. No, instead it was the lingering presence of remorse that kept me from rest as I curled my arms tighter around my abdomen, wanting to be somewhere else and nowhere at all. And as the same questions played over and over in my mind like an endless tape, I sank deeper, further into the seat.

What was wrong with me?

"Is it right at this street or the next one?" the driver asked. His GPS was alight to his left, but the man insisted on the pointless small talk the entire drive, despite my constant evasions. Couldn't he see that I was in no mood for conversation?

"Next one," I mumbled without pulling my eyes off the passing road.

The silence lasted no longer than three seconds. "Lived around here long?" he persisted, his polite tone only irritating me further.

Seriously, could he not see that I was going to barf all over his pristine, eucalyptus smelling seats? I locked my jaw, forcing the bile back down. "No," I lied, hoping that was it.

He drove the last few minutes in silence, having finally given up on me whilst I disappeared into my foreboding thoughts once again.

I couldn't see straight after what happened. My loss of appetite was rapid as was my interest in the fancy drinks and the sultry club, despite the insistence to my friends that I was fine. Because I wasn't fine, and nothing I'd done over the past few months could warrant such a term. I realised that I deserved everything I felt and worse. That didn't mean it was easy to swallow, though.

I'd caught myself looking to Kallum the way I always did when I felt untethered, searching for that sense of reassurance he carried in his smile and in his eyes. In the warmth of his body and heart. Except I couldn't do that this time. So I had turned back to our friends and feigned nonchalance of what we had just shared, enduring our detachment as he made space between us in the booth.

It was possible I was imagining it, the highs and lows of tonight's revelations messing with my head, but he didn't reach for my hand again, keeping eagerly immersed in the conversation and the laughter where his eye contact was safe. Where his thoughts and words were careful.

What was he really thinking?

My failed attempts to relax eventually had me excuse myself to the bathroom where I'd stared into the mirror at my own stupid reflection, my eyes tired and hollow, my make-up worn, my desire flattened. I hardly recognised the girl staring back at me anymore. The one who wanted everything that was wrong with no caution against the consequences. The one who ached for further beyond the life she merely existed within. The one who'd become the equivalent of a ticking time bomb, about to lose authority over her own stability and heading fast for the edge.

Kieran had flashed through my mind then as I'd pictured us sitting together on Pointcliffe in the summertime. I got so used to feeling powerless, she'd said, and now I can't live without it. I chase it, because I choose it. I control it. Its freeing...