My Roommate the Sex God

SHUT IT!

Keagan

I hated feeling this way. I hated feeling so useless without my tiny boyfriend by me. It had gotten to the point to where him being in the shower felt like too much for me handle...

Right now I was sitting outside of his classroom, waiting patiently for him. I refused to bother him while he was in class, but I also didn't trust myself alone in my room not to get too deep into my own thoughts. Anytime I did that in the past resulted in me drinking and making life ten times harder for myself, so it was just safe to avoid any alone time that I could. I had called my therapist lady and asked for more appointments, but she was gone for the next few weeks. Of course, the one time seeing her would actually be super beneficial, she had to be away to deal with family business. The lady at the front desk offered to schedule me with somebody else in the mean time, but that just seemed like way to much to deal with. I didn't want to have to make someone else understand me again. My lady already did, and no one else would do.

Jamison and I even exchanged an "I love you" the other day and it didn't phase me. Normal Keagan might have run for the hills, or would have caused a ruckus of some sorts. Maybe the Keagan before the trip would have said it back or would have told Jamison that he wasn't ready... I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just didn't want Jamison to go away, so I said it back without thinking twice about it... And that made me feel guilty. It's not that I don't have strong feelings for him; I just don't know if what I'm feeling is love or just general need for him right now.

"Babe?" I looked up from picking at the skin on my finger and smiled at my boyfriend. "What are you still doing here? Don't you have class?" I shook my head and took his books from him before holding out my other hand for him to take.

"Nah, no class today, but I do have class tomorrow." Though that was true, I didn't feel any less pathetic. But he just smiled and took the lead out of the building.

"So you just waited out here?"

"Yeah, I didn't have anything better to do, so I figured why not?" I said before tugging him closer to me. The more he asked about me standing out in the hall for an hour and a half made me realize just how fucking sad and weak I was becoming.

This wasn't me, or... Well, this hasn't been me in a very long time. I was usually so good at masking pain with sarcasm or just being a dick in general. But that would push Jamison away, and then what would I be left with? A bigger hole inside of me? At least Jamison was trying to mend me instead of just filling it. I just hate actually having to deal with shit I had already tried to put to rest.

I couldn't blame Jamison for making me dig it all back up anymore though. He didn't know. He sure as hell knows now, and maybe hopefully he'll drop it from here on out when I tell him too, but we all know him. So now he and I were just going to have to deal with the consequences of all that.

When we got back to our room I threw myself on our bed and groaned loudly. I didn't mean to groan as loud as I did, but it felt good afterwards at least.

"Keagan..." Jamison said from across the room. I peeked over at him to see him pulling out one of my shirts to wear, which of course made me smile, but the tone in his voice was still pretty offsetting. "It's been almost two weeks since we got home babe, and you haven't said a word about what happened..."

"Nothing happened?" I chuckled. "Well nothing I didn't expect to happen happened, so there's really nothing to talk about." He stood there and looked at me in disbelief, as if I were so dense that I didn't notice my own complete personality change. But he thought my problem was with my father, with those nasty and hurtful words he said, when in reality it wasn't.