My Roommate the Sex God

COMFORT

Keagan

I took the tissue from Dr. Margret and clenched it tightly in my hand as she scribbled down notes on the emotional baggage I just threw at her.

"So Keagan, tell me about your mom. Where was she during all of this?"

I took a deep breath and sat back. "She was there... This all didn't start happening until I was six and could process that Dad was actually hurting Mom. So I tried to stop it, and he said that if I could stand up to him like a man, then I could take a hit like a man... Then my mom just sat there."

Margret looked at me as if I had just told her that her child died, as if her heart was actually breaking for me... As if this was so outlandish for a mother to do. But that was my life.

"So she just sat there... Did she help or try to stop it at all?"

"Not that I can remember." I sighed again. "She's never even apologized, you know? Like I've seen the movies where the mothers cradle their kids and weep about how sorry they are... I always thought that maybe one day she would have done that, but she never did. She always just scolded me for setting my father off."

"Okay, wow." Dr. Margret nodded as if she understood and adjusted her blouse. "You seem okay with talking about all of this, I mean, I know we've had some hiccups, but I don't think your family or the abuse you endured is what you came here to work though; so out of our two weeks worth of sessions, have you figured out or have even the slightest idea why you came to me?"

I stared at the woman in front of me blankly. She and I have had meetings together every other day and nothing I've talked about has made a difference. Sure the thought of my family upsets me, but it doesn't interrupt my life like it does with some people. And sure, I'm terrified of ending up like my dad, but that's all up to me... So why the fuck am I here?

"I think..." I started as I sat up a bit straighter. "I think that I just want to know that there is nothing wrong with me. I want to make sure that I can give the boy that may or may not have taken my heart all that I've got and know that I'm not too broken to love him."

"When you came in here the first day, you said you needed to be fixed... Why?"

"I don't know, I've always just been told that there was something wrong with me. No one ever really gave me a chance to show them that I could love them so I just gave up... Now this boy wants me to prove myself and, well, I don't even think I know how to now... I just don't want to disappoint him."

"Keagan, relationships are all about taking a risk, the good ones aren't easy and require work. I don't see anything about you that would hinder you loving someone."

"Then why am I so scared calling him my boyfriend?"

"I don't know," she said with a small smile. "It's scary to give your heart to someone, but if this boy brought such a head strong man such as yourself to me, I think you're putting your heart in a pair of very safe hands."

"You know what, I think you're right." I said before glancing at my watch. "Well, our hours up... I'll see you in two days?" I asked the small woman before standing and stretching my sore limbs.

"Of course, and Keagan before you go... I think you need to consider going back to sleeping in a bed. You're much too tall to be sleeping on an office couch."

I laughed sincerely before nodding in agreement.

"I think I will after this weekend. I don't want to rush back too early just incase I'm not welcome back yet."

Dr. Margret rolled her eyes but followed me out the door, and we said our official goodbyes there.

I always hated leaving her office though, every time I did I always ended up feeling empty... But heavy... As if there was nothing left inside of me, but my mind was just weighted with so much shit still.

I wish I could just let that woman in with a scrubbing brush so she could clean me out, but that was just wishful thinking.

It was raining outside of course, and I knew it because the seasons were changing but the coincidence of it happening today just seemed to... Well, coincidental, for my comfort.

I debated heavily on whether or not I wanted to tough out the weather and walk back to Joyce's office and order food there, or just go to the cafeteria and grub in there.

Right now I wanted to be alone, but I know if I have food brought to me I wouldn't actually eat it. By the time it got to me something would probably make me lose my appetite and quite frankly I don't know when the last time I actually ate was again so the cafeteria just seemed like a better more viable option.

The walk from my car to the cafeteria was also significantly shorter so I guess all the pros laid with eating there. Plus I might actually run into a friend or something, and that might actually be pleasant. Who knows!

When I got into the huge cafeteria I set my eyes on exactly what my now aching stomach craved. Usually I'm not one for sandwiches but holy hell did a sub sound good right now.

So I scampered over to the vender and ordered exactly what I wanted, I could feel my mouth watering and my hands shaking from the excitement this stupid sandwich was bringing me. Sounds pathetic, but when your world has been one dark cloud after the next... The little things really start to matter, so why not take refuge in this monstrosity in bread.

After paying I found myself a quiet corner to eat in, sure there were a shit ton of people in here, but this corner was actually pretty cozy.

"Hey Keagan..." I looked up and smiled at the familiar face. I couldn't remember her name, but she was definitely one of those girls I stood up for at that party months ago.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked, motioning for her to sit down.

"Oh, nothing... I was just coming over to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah I'm good... What makes you think I wouldn't be?" I cocked my eyebrow at her and she only seemed to tense.

"Do you not know?" She whispered. "I mean you and Jamison separating ways is pretty big news... Well at least the word of you no longer being off limits is going around, but I didn't think we'd be seeing you around him." She rambled, barely making any sense.

"We didn't... We weren't really dating yet but I'm still off the table because of him, who's saying I'm not?"

She tensed up even more and glanced over her shoulder before getting up.

"I'm sorry for bothering you, I shouldn't have said anything. Never mind."

"Wait!" I grabbed her wrist and kept her from leaving. "What the hell is going on?"

"Just... Look over there." She sighed and motioned over to a group of people before pulling her hand from mine and all but ran away.

I scanned the group of people before my eyes landed on a very familiar head of messy hair who was sitting straight across from someone who was leaning in dangerously close to him.

I don't know how long I watched the interaction for, I don't know what was actually going on, but the moment I saw Jamison's cheeks turn that bright shade of red... I knew I couldn't take it anymore.

It's only been two weeks... Two fucking weeks, and already some prick was weaseling his way into my spot... And Jamison was letting him.

I sighed and tossed my barely touched sandwich away and snuck out of the cafeteria as quickly and as quietly as I could.

I wanted nothing more than to cause a scene, but who the fuck was I to do that to him. It was me who didn't want to put any official label on us... This was my fault.

So I really only have myself to blame.