Perception - Grayson Dolan

45. i hate this

I know i should tell them but i can't. I haven't even comprehended it myself. How am I supposed to explain something that I don't completely understand. I rest my head on his shoulder and try to let myself nod off but I simply can't. I look around the room at all the sleeping bodies. Audrey and Jacob had gone home but the twins had stayed along with Noah and I. I got up and decided to go get some food. I find a vending machine, get something cheap and flammable then head back. I try to eat but like before I simply can't. The thought of seeing him makes me sick to my stomach. I was terrified. I couldn't handle the fact of having to move. Did he even know that mum was in the hospital or what about that we have to come see him.

"What's wrong?" I heard an italian whisper. I thought it was the one I had recently come to know but I was wrong. My best friend sits up from his chair, wrapping a blanket around himself and walks up to the empty chair beside me.

"That was a stupid question, i can clearly see whats wrong" i lightly giggle at his stupidity before going back to my factory setting. As the sadness rushes back in I feel my body want to break down. Just crawl into a hole and never leave. Only this time a feeling of hate takes over

"How could she do that, how could she be so selfish" i rant "My own mother must know what she has done, how this will affect her children '' i silently sob. I could tell he didn't know what to do with himself. The amount of years i had known him i have never been this vulnerable in front of him. Of course i have gotten emotional but i have never completely sobbed in front of him.

He held out his arms and tilted his head letting me crawl into his arm. I crawl up into a bawl in my legs and his arms wrap around my chest embracing me in a tight hug. And I let it all out. Everything I had been holding in for the sake of my siblings. I know they are dreading the move too. Noah said it'll take at least 6 months but I'm terrified. If we do come back, it'll be halfway through the year. That's 6 months with that monster. I don't know how i will be able to cope. It's bad enough what he did now I have to spend time with him. I promised myself I would never talk to him ever again but here we are, spending 6 months with him. As much as I tried not to, I woke Ethan up.

"What happened" he said in a hushed worried tone

"Im sorry E, I didn't mean to wake you"

"No never apolagise for something so stupid" he said then walked to Grays seat, picked me up then brought me back to his seat and let me fall asleep in a koala position. After my breakdown miraculously, I fell asleep.

As soon as I wake up I check to see if the patient is. She isn't. What did I expect? I felt the heartbreak all over again. This whole thing feels kind of like a nightmare. When you wake up it releases a pressure on your chest but waking up in this damn hospital confirms that my worst nightmares are a reality. I look up to find Ethan still asleep. Through this time I'm glad I have him to help me through along with my family. I'm really grateful to have such an incredible support system. As I look around the room I see Grayson also still asleep but Noah awake. He is leaning over with his elbows resting on his knees and his head hung low in his hands. I slowly stand up only to turn back around from the Italians deep groans. He is still dead asleep but somehow is able to recognise whether or not I am in his embrace. I grab a pillow so he will be satisfied and it does the job. He wraps his arms around the thing making his build, prominent. I stand up and sit in the chair that Grayson was sleeping in originally next to my brother. I rest my hand on his back and start to rub circles. He takes in all the hurt we put on him but he isn't able to project his own anywhere else. As soon as I'm about to speak up he turns around and wraps his arms around my neck immediately breaking down.

"I'm so sorry mimi, i don't know what to do. I don't want you to go and see him and i'm so sorry you have to"

"Don't, don't you dare apologize for that, i know you are going to try and get us back"

"I will. I promise i will get you back"

"Ok but you better not expect me to call you dad or anything" i try to joke to lighten the mood to which he lightly chuckles and wipes his eyes.

"What time is it" he checks his watch before saying '6:40'

"I should get home and make sure the twins get to school"

"You can take it off" he offers

"No it's ok, we can't miss school, we will come straight here afterwards, can I borrow your car?" i question

"Yeah" he allows.

"Text me if you need anything and I will bring it during my free period or after school '' I weakly smile trying to hide my sadness. I don't like to show my vulnerability to my family very often. I don't want them to look up to me then break down. I want to be their role model. I walk up to the boys and lightly shake them awake. Grayson wakes up no problem but Ethan is a little more tough. So Grayson shakes him aggressively and he jolts up. We leave the hospital splitting up.