Brute

Part 12

Joong

"Stop, Joong, enough...", Jay took the third cigarettes that my shaky hand lit up. I took a new one from the box and lit it up again. "I said enough! Own up your mistake! Not hiding behind this thing. You had stopped smoking for a while now. He also could not stand the smoke, don't add up to his sickness". As soon as I heard that, I crumpled the box and threw it to the floor. I grabbed my hair in frustration and misery. 

"He was already stable when I sent him here. I already told you to control that temper. Joong, please, if you couldn't handle this, I needed to bring Nine away from you for the time being", Jay said sternly, and stood up. I grabbed his wrist and begged, "No, don't bring him anywhere. I would take care of him, Jay. The doctor said just now, he just needs to rest and not put under stress". Jay sat down and divided in his decision.

"Tell me, what happened? I never wanted to know the details, but it seemed your anger issue had not settled yet. You said he is very important to you, yet couldn't you be a little patient even with him?". 

"He was angry, that I did a background check on him, Jay".

"Am I surprised? No, Joong. I told you when you ordered me to do so, that it was not right in the first place. But, because you said it was for his safety, I complied". 

"What choice do I have, Jay? I knew nothing after he left me at 19. He was all I had, but he still choose to go away. I...was hurt, and I said so to him...before he...fainted...".

"My god, Joong! You are not 19 anymore! How long would you hold a grudge? I can't believe you said that. If he didn't want you to find him, so what? It's his life. The choice is his, not yours. Since when he had to cater to your need? Why can't he leave you? Is that written in the stars or something?", Jay was furious. 

"You are angry with me too ...", I said, feeling nobody was at my side. 

"Yes, Joong. If Nine is someone who is using you, then I'll be at your back fighting him too. But, up till now, couldn't you see how selfish your thought is? You had been making all the decision from your point of view, liked he was not a person with his own choices to be respected. Do you understand now, why Nine is angry at you? Why I am angry too...". 

Jay was right. I felt it was a little unfair that he sided with Nine, but he was right. 

"Are you really my assistant or my mother? Heck, my mother don't even care if I kill someone, but you are nagging me till my ears bleed", I said liked a spoil child, "But...thank you, for coming here as soon, with the doctor. I couldn't think straight when he fell down".

"He is not just a friend to you, am I right?", Jay suddenly asked. I looked at Jay, without giving him any answer. I wanted to know where was his question leading to. "Every time anything happened with him that is beyond your control, you keep saying you'll lose your mind. I am afraid, that your attachment to him would be a dangerous trigger to cause  you to lose control". I shook my head, not really getting what he meant. 

"You know that what we are looking into right now, is borderline dangerous. Could you handle it, if any harm befall the people that you care? Maybe, you should not be attached to anyone, until our purpose has been served". 

"Are you asking me to let go of him, Jay? I thought you rooted for us to be closer". 

"Yes. I really wanted you to have a pillar to lean on to, Joong. But, it seemed, your pillar is now too weak to be in our messed up, unknown situation.  His health, and also safety, should be our first priority, right?". 

Jay left with the doctor not long after, and I was sitting, thinking about what road should I take, with regard to the person who was now sleeping tiredly on my bed. 

Nine

I opened my eyes. The light was already in through the spaces in between the curtains on the windows. The first thing that I saw when I turned my head to the side, was Joong , sleeping on his side, next to me. He was close, but still giving me enough space to move. I turned my body, to lay on my side too, watching his sleeping face that had a calmness that could not be seen when he was awake. He was pushed to grow up too soon. I remembered his last word before I fell down, he said that I broke his heart. So, I was another person who pushed him to grow up sooner too. I felt so sorry. But, that was what I thought the best for him at the time. What about the other words that he said, he lost his mind? What did he do, after I was gone?. Only from him I could get that answer. Or maybe, it should remain a secret he didn't want me to know. 

His eyelids moved and opened. His eyes were shiny. We looked at each other for a while without talking. Silence befall us in uncalculated time. After a while, I reached out and hold his hand that lay in between us. He laced his hand with mine immediately. 

"I'm sorry...you must be worried. I'm alright", I said carefully.

"In a week, you fainted twice, Nine. And I believed, this happened back then too, wasn't it, when you couldn't come to see me, sometimes?", he said, tightening his hold on my hand a little. "I wonder, how much you kept from me, how little did I know...I was wallowing in my own little misery, that I was not sensitive to what happen to you...", he said, and silent grief had started to drown his voice, making it almost a whisper. 

"Joong...", I wanted to say something, but he cut my words.

"I am so sorry, for what I did, and for what I said to you last night. I am sorry...forgive me Nine...".

He didn't need word. Just as back then, I would just comfort him the only way I knew how. I moved closer, and gave him my tightest hug, and felt he laid down on his back, embracing me with both his hands surrounded me tightly too. Between us, action had always spoken louder than words could ever convey. 

The reason for me to stop doing anything before, had long pass with years. Joong did not know, but the feeling I had towards him was only stopped because I wanted to be someone reliable, someone that he could see as the elder, since he had no one to look up to, especially not from his parents. 

I had asked the doctor to not tell my parents, nor Jay or Joong. A medical record was a patient's prerogative. My condition, was not getting better. I was carrying an unknown time bomb inside of me, that could explode, at any time....out of my control. 

The second faint yesterday, only strengthen my resolved. He was not 19 anymore. So, now, I didn't need to play any role too. I laid atop of him, cupped his face and before he could even ask, I bent down and kissed him with all my heart. 

If this was the only moment I had with him, I had no more regret.