Brute

Part 25

Joong

"You are quiet, so suddenly. Who was that, that called you? Jay? Was it some problem at the office?", Nine asked calmly, while we walked at the side of the road, going towards the nearby river to take a rest after going around the village and met some of Nine's colleagues. Some already saw me at the school, the last time that I went there. At noon, we went to P'Sam's house. The car was returned; already washed, tank filled up full; and also we brought along some groceries for his family. P'Sam's wife was so surprised and scolded me for giving too much when they're only a family of three. Nine just laughed when I was nagged, because he'd already warned me beforehand, yet I was stubborn.

It was just a humble return, for such kindness that P'Sam had shown when he barely knew me, but out of his worry for Nine, giving me help without asking any further. Before we left, they insisted that we should have lunch with the family. Thus, our walk was intended to digest the almost endless scoops of rice put into my plate just now. If I lived here for so much longer, I'll be getting chubby in no time!.

Along the way, suddenly Jay called. Jay never called when I was on leave, unless it was important. His voice was  calm, but I knew him well enough, that I could tell, there's nothing calm about the thing that he wanted to talk about. Nine could tell the changed that happened.

"Joong, won't you share a bit with me? Even if I couldn't help, I could listen. Maybe you would feel the burden a bit lighter after sharing", Nine was holding my hand and squeezing them to show support. I kept quiet until we arrived and sat on the huge boulders at the riverside. The lush greeneries covered us from the bright sun.

"Nine...", I started, hesitant but thought that it's time that I opened up to Nine, "would you be okay, if you found out gross things about my past? Would you see me differently? The one that I told you last night, was just a surface of what happened. ..not the gritty part of it.."

"I'll be honest with you, Joong. I will listen, but I can't promise to say that whatever you did was okay. If it was wrong, then it was. Just as what I did to you, leaving you just liked that, my younger self saw that it was the best option, but if you asked me now, I regretted it, Joong. For six years, all I think about is to reach back to you, but yet I didn't. Then, if I was part of the cause for you to be in more harm, then who to say that I am not guilty?", Nine said with a quivering voice.

"For quite a long time, I hated what you did, Nine. I really felt it was unfair, that it was easy for you to just decide to leave. I was young, and angry to almost everything...", I started, and felt my throat was tight, somehow, the past hurt seemed to resurface again. I felt Nine moved closer and held my hand. He waited for me to continue.

"I lost my way, Nine. Being sober was less than when I felt high. Some of my group of 'friends', were not that nice. But, I just wanted to be surrounded by people, no matter how fake they were, as long as I was not alone. I wanted to forget everything and laughed with everyone, empty, temporary happiness. When it's gone, I felt low, so I started again, till it became a cycle. That life, went on for quite some time".

Nine hand that held mine was shaking, he tried to turn away but not before I could see the dampness in his eyes. I let go of his hand, moved to sit at his back, and wrapped him in my arms. I kissed his shoulder, and placed my chin on them. I couldn't continue if I saw him cried, so this was better.

"One day, bad people, that must had tracked the places that I frequented, took me away and placed me in an isolated room. The funny thing was Nine, I was not even afraid to die. Maybe, part of me wanted it to happen", I could hear Nine struggled to hide his cries, his body was shaking but I held him tight.

"But then, at the point before the death would happen, something that my father said to the kidnapper, made my blood boiled. Even though it could be my last breath, to them, everything could be settled with money. I almost wanted to curse the riches that I was born with, but also it gave the final chance for a bargain, that finally saved my life and put them all in jail. At that point, I just shut the whole world, even you, out of my system. In this world, money do all the hard work, whereas people...just gonna abandon you at one time or another. I started to live for myself, not to enjoy them, but to release my anger to anything and everyone who treated me wrong. I fought my father, fought from being good...fought my memories with you...until I became, just an empty shell...Then, I...".

"Stop, Joong! Please...stop...I can't...", and Nine broke down with a painful sobs, and repeated sorry. I released my hold on him, turning him to face me, and tried to wipe the endless tears.

"No. Don't say sorry, Nine. It was not your fault, but my own. It did happen, and I couldn't turn back time. My young self and the one whom I have become now, is different. What I'd told you, was from how my thought and feeling were, at that time...", I tried to calm him down, but his sobs were getting worse. I hugged him back tightly, and stroking his back,"stop crying please, I don't want you to be sick again, please, Nine...", I kissed his temple, again and again. When his sobs quietened into a sniff, he pulled away and wiped all the wetness with his palms.

"I am supposed to be your support, but I ruined it, damn. Could we do this at home next time, at least I have a room to run into, and cry alone, covered with the pillow. You won't even notice", he tried to make light, but I could see he was on the verge of tears again.

I pulled him back into my embrace, and held him tight, "Liar...", I said and once again, his shoulders shook with fresh bout of tears. Ah, having someone to cry for you, felt painful and blessed at the same time. At least I knew now, that he must had cried alone, back when we were younger; must be, because of me too.