Brute

Part 33

Nine

I woke up in the middle of the night. Although a blanket properly covered my body, the absence of the warm body that I was so used to cuddle now made my sleep felt uneasy. I tapped the other side of the bed, to confirm that there was no one there, since the darkness limited my view. I sat up, rubbed my sleepy eyes and went out to the living room.

The sliding door that was opened, caused the slightly cold air to flow in, making my skin shivered a little bit. I rubbed my arms and walked out till I found Joong looking at the starry sky, leaning his arms on the balcony. He was biting the butt of a cigarette, but there's no glowing ember nor smoke, meaning he didn't light it up. I couldn't help but smile at the restraint he took for my sake. But, I didn't dismiss the fact that his mind must be wondering about something heavy too, if he felt the need to smoke.

I stood beside him, extended my arm to hug his waist, and leaned my head on his shoulder. We stood in silence for a few minutes more, enjoying both the warmth of nearness and also the cold night air on our skin. 

"Can't sleep?", I asked while turning to lean my back on the balcony, wanting to see his face and expression, trying to read his feeling at the moment. Joong threw away the cigarette that he'd been clamping between his lips and turned to me.

"Did I wake you up? Sorry...can't sleep a wink. Thinking of having a puff to calm my thoughts a bit; that's why I'm out here, but then, decided not to; since you couldn't stand the smoke, nor the smell", he said quietly, caressing my cheek.

I took a deep breath and gently took hold of his hand while looking into his eyes, "It's alright, Joong. I won't be mad, even if you did it. You're free to do as you wish. Just, could I ask for something else?", Joong hesitated, but still nod a little, so I continued, "though I am weak, physically; emotionally, there's a huge space in here reserved for you", I said while holding my chest, "you could share your thoughts, feelings and worries with me. Please...stop protecting me too much, Joong; I am not made of glass.  Every time you hold it in, the more anxious I become; so, rather than feel as relax as you wanted me to be; your silence is causing me...more stress", I said, for no better words. I bit my lips, waiting for him to open up and grant me access.

When he kept his silence, I let go of my hold and sighed in defeat, "I'll.. get inside first, the air is getting colder and my shirt is too thin", I said quietly, just an excuse to not let Joong saw that I was a little hurt that he was still not letting me in. I walked back inside, almost reaching the bedroom, but before I did, my wrist was grabbed tight, "No, stay, forgive me...". Joong pulled my hand to follow him back, and sit me on his lap on the sofa, arms circling my waist and buried his face on my chest. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, tapping it gently and moved to run my fingers in between his hair, trying to give him the comfort that he needed.

"Tomorrow, Jay would be on leave, and going to visit his father", he started, "it's his Por's birthday", Joong said after a while, sat up to look up at me.  

"Visit his father? He's going somewhere far?", I asked, curious. But, Joong shook his head.

"Do you remember the tension between Jay and I, that happened while we're on the way back here?". I nodded, definitely I remembered, because that was the first time I saw them be in discord, and distant. "That week, Jay came to know something that I had kept from his knowledge, for a long time".

"Hmm, your nature had always been the silent bearer. But, this must be more than a small thing, for you to keep them from his knowledge at all. You said, that Jay would be visiting his Por, does this somehow relate back, to that?". 

Joong nodded and sighed heavily, "Sorry Nine, not that I don't want to tell you. But, I owe Jay an explanation, first. It's been a month, and he is waiting. But...I...am afraid, that once he knows everything, things will change...and he'll leave". It seemed, Joong had an unsettled trauma of being left again. I gulped, and wrapped my arms around him tight, feeling guilty for partly inducing in him such fear, wanting to turn back time and erase all the hurt that the separation had brought upon him.

"Joong...people don't just have a definite black and white, when making a decision. There's always a grey shade in between, and sometimes a dash of colour too. From what I saw, even when he was not seeing the whole picture yet, Jay was still willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, wasn't he? If he wasn't, as soon as he knew that you kept something vital from him, his first reaction would be that of an anger, but did he, I mean, lash it out on you?". 

"No. He didn't, Nine. All this while, I am the one who feel agitated, even though he never push nor put pressure on me, and still being patient till now".

"Then, couldn't you see? Jay had been trying his best, to maintain whatever point of close friendship you both are in right now. So, put trust on his good heart, a little, won't you? Ah, forgive me, if it might sound as if I make light of the issue, but, please, just try to talk to him, Joong".

"He'll hate me, to his core...that's how heavy it is, and what I deserved too...", Joong said quietly, voice; broken. I kissed his temple and rubbed his back.

"Joong, stop being trapped in the mindset that your family had set. You are not born guilty, nor a punching bag for other's hatred. Human heart is a wonder, you know...it is both; fragile and strong. You'd feel broken at one time, but then it could become stronger, after. I  believed, even if there's hatred, there's still a room for forgiveness, too. So, if you're in the wrong, lower your head down, and seek for forgiveness, first".

"He won't forgive me...".

"You'll never know, unless you try. Whatever his choice will be, you must learnt to accept them and also, to let go. Don't worry baby, I'll still be here to give you a big hug, anytime...", I said, smiled, and kissed him gently to sooth his worry.