Bittersweet Honey

9. Wandering Romance

Toni.

"No one sees myself
Like you do.
Would be easier
If I stayed at home,
Wasting my time on my own,
And hoping that
You'd come along again?"

- Jorja Smith

     "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit." Ren repeats as we speed out of the convention center. 

     "You were hitting it off with Daniel freaking Ricciardo! And you walked away?!"

​     "I gave him my card okay?! He said he'll call me, are you happy now?" I snap back almost yelling, maybe because of my mixed emotions. Thankfully, the streets have cleared up and there's no one around.

​     "Yeah! I am! Hell yeah I am!" She keeps yelling and I just wish she weren't making such a big deal about this. 

     "Why aren't you happy? Why the hell not?"

​     "I am, Ren. I am." I confess.

     I may not be yelling like her, but I also can't deny the fact that Daniel was charming. My answer only pumped up Ren more, because she hugs me and starts to jump up and down like a little girl.

​     "Oh my God, baby!" Alex joins the group hug as he squeals. 

     "That was one fine ass man. And he has a nice ass too."He comments.

​     "What is he like? Did he ask you out?!" Ren asks excitedly as we all get in a cab and headed to my place. We agreed on having a sleepover, but I don't know if I'm still in the mood for it.

​     "He was really nice, and funny. He did kind of ask me out." It all seems a little dazed.

​     "What do you mean he kind of asked you out? Details baby, we need the details." Alex pushes.

     ​"I mean, it was a bit confusing, but he said he wanted to get dinner sometime and that he'll call me." They both squeal, probably annoying the hell out of the driver. But he was actually nice enough to stop at Tesco so Alex could get some ice cream and wine. They are serious about gossiping. But I still can't believe it happened.

​     We arrive and climb up the stairs to my apartment, and as soon as we walk inside, we all get changed into comfortable clothes. I take off my makeup and wash my face while Alex pours wine and serves ice cream for the three of us. 

     I'm very quiet because I really wish they weren't taking this so seriously, I mean, we only chatted for a minute, and I gave him my card, but I gave out like twenty cards tonight. But Ren and Alex insist we talk about it.

​     "So, Checo did what you told him to." I turn to Ren who is sitting on the floor across the living room table. 

     "And I wasn't complying at first, so he basically shoved me in front of Daniel." 

     It feels weird to even say this out loud. I'm on first name basis with some drivers now. At the same time, they're ordinary people like me. 

     Alex and Ren keep their eyes wide open as they sip on their wine. They said they wanted details, so I continue with my story.

     "We introduced ourselves and shook hands. Then we chatted for a minute, he was being a flirt, but it was all a bit awkward. Almost out of nowhere, I just blurted out that I don't hook up with drivers." I shrug and take a big gulp of wine.

​     "That's...kind of stupid, why wouldn't you hook up with him? He's yummy and seems funny and he has nice teeth." Ren asks, adding more alcohol to her system.

​     "Because I mean it." I answer, and the room falls silent. 

     "I mean, he might call me and ask me out or he won't. But either way, I'm not getting involved with anyone in any way." I stand my ground.

     ​"But babe, you need to put your guard down. Not all men are absolute trash. It that what scares you?" Alex asks.

​     "It's not that! It's just...picture this: I don't know, for instance Eleanor finds out I'm seeing a driver, she'll have me fired. Specially if it's someone from another team. I can't afford to lose this job." I answer and Ren sighs for the millionth time.

​     "Toni, this isn't about hooking up with drivers. This is about you." She sounded so serious she seemed like she was sobering up quickly. 

     "I told you this a while back, but I really do want you to live your best life. And I know you don't need no man to make you happy, because you are a complete human being. But there's nothing wrong with having company from a special someone. You're too young, and too pretty and too smart to have this mindset."

     And I don't know what fiber her words hit in me, but I feel myself getting emotional. I even blink a couple tears away.

​     "I'm just scared." I give up and whisper. Immediately, Alex puts his glass down and puts an arm around me. 

     "I think I always prepare too much and focus too much and plan too much because...I'm scared of not being in control of the things that happen in my life." I just have too many emotions, and I didn't even know I was holding them inside.

     Meeting Daniel was not bad at all, and even if his flirting made me blush like a child, I felt at ease with him. He is definitely a charming man, and I must admit he is very handsome, even more in person. But I'm so afraid of losing what I've worked so hard for.

​     "It's normal to be afraid, love. If it didn't scare you, you wouldn't be human." Alex sighs and gives me a hug. 

     "But maybe it would be a good thing to give it time and give him a shot. he was completely lost in your eyes, you know?" 

     I feel my cheeks blushing again, at the thought of seeing us through Alex's eyes. 

     "Let go." Alex whispers with encouragement.

​     With that, I pulled myself together. Ren was quiet because she always says what she seems necessary. Probably Alex gave her a look that made her give the whole thing a rest. We put on Bridget Jones' Diary, and we laugh here and there, drink some more wine, and eat some popcorn for dinner.

     I try my hardest to put my mind away from thinking about Daniel. But I can't. I decide to get into bed before the credits even roll, to see if I can sleep and be more at ease.