For You, I Would (boyxboy)

Chapter 29

Nialler’s face paled. His hands were tense at the sides of his body. He looked somewhere between lost and confused. His hair was a mess--the tellings of a stressful day and a long afternoon nap. I could tell that his breathing began to grow shallow as he minutely cocked his head to the side.

The butter knife he’d been holding was lying on the kitchen floor. The sound from the impact--a loud clanging--as it fell from his fingertips was resonating through my ears on repeat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The smell of burnt toast, abandoned across the room, made the back of my throat itch almost painfully.

I wished I could take it back. I knew I couldn’t; I didn’t really want to. I just felt guilty. At first I thought the worst part of this was the empty look in Nialler’s gorgeous eyes. The eyes that usually held as much warmth and happiness in them as his smile did. But as I continued to look at them, I noticed something even more heartbreaking. It was nearly impossible to tell, but because I was watching carefully and standing close enough, I could see the tiniest bit of water well up in his eyes.

In that moment I’d never hated anyone more than I hated myself.

The first intelligent word that he uttered was, “What?” It was so quiet I almost missed it. But the distress in that single word was clear.

My eyes had widened as I’d watched Nialler’s reaction to my previous words. I forced myself to blink and took in a short, normal breath.

“We can’t do this anymore,” I repeated, nearly choking on the words as they slipped past my lips and rolled off of my tongue. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Nialler stood up straight and stared at me. “I don’t understand.”

I scratched the back of my neck out of nervousness. It probably left a little mark but I honestly didn’t care. “You and I can’t be anything more than best friends. We should have just left it at that.” I shook my head and briefly glanced down at my feet. “I’m sorry.”

Nialler furrowed his eyebrows. I knew that look. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t getting his way.

“Don’t say that!” he yelled, surprising me. “Caspar just shut up.”

I watched him. Out of all the things I had been expecting him to say, this was not it. He had me completely shocked. “Ni...”

He pointed a finger at me. “Don’t,” he said. “Do not use that tone on me.”

“What tone?”

Nialler clenched his jaw. “That stupid pitying one. Like you feel sorry for me or something. Just stop it.” He bent down and picked up his knife. When he straightened up he walked over to the toaster. “We’ll forget you said anything and just eat.”

“Nialler.”

“I’m hungry. Do you want me to make you a sandwich?” He turned around and I raised my eyebrows at him. “What?”

“That’s burnt,” I said, pointing at the charred bread in his hands.

Nialler shrugged and threw it into the garbage. He walked back to the table and pulled out two new pieces of bread. I watched him go over and put them into the toaster. I noticed how he turned the setting down this time so he wouldn’t end up ruining it again.

Nialler went to the fridge and opened it. “What kind of sandwich do you want?”

The calmness and nonchalance in his voice was unsettling to me. It was insane that he was acting this way. I know he just told me we could forget what I said, but it was like it actually never happened. At least that was how he was going on.