Two Punks In Love

Fraps

Kat

I find myself reaching for Trace in the morning light, only to find his side of the bed empty. I bring his pillow near, breathing in his scent. On the outbreath, that's when I remember what happened last night.

I pull the pillow over my face and flip over, groaning into it.

I am not typically a person who wallows in self-pity. I have no right whatsoever. I know I'm healthy and wealthy and attractive and my life is more fabulous than most people can even imagine. I know how privileged I am, and I know how fucking lucky I am, too. I work hard, but I really haven't "earned" all of my good fortune. To be honest, most everything that has happened to me in the last seven years is because a very talented, smart, ambitious boy with a band fell in love me.

I know. I'm riding his coattails. But I've tried very hard to take those coattails and do something good with them. It's why I do the work I do, to help people who aren't so fortunate.

But right now? Can I just take a moment to say...

Shit fucking sucks for me.

Why is this happening now? After all this time, why is this story about Trace and Ashlynn's past coming out now? When we are about to get married, and I'm pregnant with TWINS? I was having a hard enough time psyching myself up to walk down the aisle. My designer doesn't even know if my wedding dress is still going to work in six weeks time. Now Marcy wants me to have lots of pictures taken all over LA with an ever thickening and smile at the media and pretend like that OK! Story is a lie.

It's not a lie.

Well, not most of it anyway. Obviously Lyra is not Trace's daughter. Obviously Trace and Ashlynn aren't having a secret affair. Obviously Ashlynn is in love with Leed. Honestly, sometimes I think she's too in love with Leed. She thinks everything he does or says is so great. It's like she worships him. I would be really worried about it if he didn't worship her right back.

But he does. They are madly in love, even after four years of marriage.

Yet, she didn't always love him, did she? No. Once, she loved Cam. I know she did. And now she says she loved Trace, too.

I guess that's what's hard to take.

That OK! Story is not a lie. She loved him. And the worst part?

I know he loved her too, and he won't ever admit it.

I mean, I get it. Loyalty is Trace's thing. Our wedding is a little more than four weeks away. I have not one, but two of his babies, growing inside of me. I can see why, from his perspective, wanting to dredge up his past relationship with my sister would be a bad thing.

But I can't shake the feeling that he wasn't honest with me, all those years ago, when I first found out and I made him tell me about it. We only really ever talked about it once, sitting high up in that tree overlooking the houses where we grew up.

I don't remember everything he said word for word. I know he told me she was a mess in LA. He told me about the commitment papers my dad had had drawn up. He told me her married her to protect her from that. He told me it was hard, and they struggled with her addiction and with living together. He did tell me they kissed a few times—affectionately—but that it wasn't romantic or passionate. He swore they never slept together. He admitted her knew she had feelings for him but insisted they weren't in love.

I was eighteen when he told me all that. And I believed him. And I was more than eager to forgive and forget. Because I loved him. Because I believed he loved me. And after we took our relationship to the next level shortly after that, it didn't really seem fair to turn around and harp on the fact that he'd been married to my sister. But if I'm honest, twenty-six year old Kat could not have forgiven that easily. And I damn sure would have had a lot more conversations about the nature of their relationship and how it changed over time through their marriage than eighteen year old Kat had asked.