Cost of Taste (Published)| ✓

kabanata 40

Kabanata 40

The first time I saw Adren. He was like an angel opening the gates of heaven. Hanggang ngayon ay tila nakapinta ang mukha niya sa bawat sulok ng aking isip. He was there. He was always there.

Adren slowly walked in and he closed the door by locking the doorknob. Unti-unti siyang lumapit saakin. It's been a year but his fragrance is still the same as it hits my nostrils.

"Ang tagal mo naman..." I playfully teased him.

He gave a smile. A genuine one.

The genuine smile almost made my eyes well up, the sides of my eyes are turning to crimson as it softens. You've grown so much. So much that sometimes it scares me that you are already a person of your own. Hindi mo na ako kailangan sa buhay mo, Adren.

And that's fine. Really. We don't live for other people. We live for our own. The person who taught me that was also you. Kaya sino ako para hilingin na sana ay para saakin lahat ng improvements mo?

"Sorry, the meeting was too long." His eyes travelled to my face. "I miss you, Arrisea."

"I miss you too." I gave him the smile I've always showed him.

He untied his tie as his adam's apple moved. Mukhang hindi lang ako ang kabado sa aming dalawa.

I decided to sat down in the floor, the way I used to before when we were in senior high. Tinabihan niya ako sa pag-upo sa sahig. The silence was slowly consuming us. Paano nga ba ito sisimulan?

I took a deep breath and stared at those onyx eyes that seems to have an endless trail of darkness. He was looking at me too with the intense gaze as before.

"I called you today because I've realized that we took things a little too fast. Forgiveness was easy because we love each other. But...we should have..." I have stopped in the middle of the sentence.

Where do I start?

How can we move on from this phase?

When it still hurts so much?

"Arri..." he spoke my name like how soft the cotton balls touch your skin. It gives me that feeling. The gentle kind of touch even if he was only speaking my name.

"You don't have to..." he caressed my hair, slowly touching every strand of it.

"What?" my voice croaked. The feeling was too overwhelming. Pakiramdam ko ay namamala ang aking lalamunan.

"Force yourself to forgive people. You don't have to do that." A sad smile formed in the outline of his mouth.

"That's my way of moving on..."

In order to move on, you must forgive. It is a way to easily forget something. When it no longer matters to you, when it no longer hurts you, and when it no longer makes you move forward painstakingly slow.

"Moving on isn't about forgiving. Yes, it could help the process. But moving on means you have been completely healed." He buried his face in the side of my neck. "If it still bothers you that much, Arri. Give yourself some kindness to hold the pain for a while. If it still matters to you, it will be painful but it will make you value what you have right now."

I embrace his warmth. No longer feeling empty and cold. Sa lugar kung saan ko nakita ang totoong siya, doon din pala kami magtatagpo. Sa gitna ng sakit at pag-ibig, nahanap ko si Adren. If I have to go all through that again just to experience his love — I'll go for it.

I'll gamble everything I have just for him. Para sa pag-ibig niya. Para sa aming dalawa.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I cupped his face as I grasp for my air, my eyes are misty as I look at the man I love.