A Promise Is A Promise

[2] Claire

Jackson Durham's words bounced around in my head, refusing to settle and slip into a forgotten state. Frankie McCann wanted to have sex with me. She'd admitted it to a whole group of people, offered up the information without thinking twice. I wasn't sure if I should believe that part of what he said, but still. The thought of being with her like that, of being with a girl... Something inside of me didn't quite know what to feel about it. There was a sense of satisfaction in it, one of excitement, and curiosity. But there was also this gnawing unease. What would my parents think if they found out? Or the kids at school? My teachers? My best friend?

I knew what Kayla had grown up hearing and learning. I knew that if her parents found out about my curiosity, they'd be hesitant to let me be around their daughter anymore, if at all. Kayla herself didn't seem to share the same beliefs about that topic in particular. Years of playing softball with each other had left her and Frankie relatively close, and she didn't seem to have it in her to change her opinion of someone solely based on who they loved. Still, there was all this uncertainty around it and I wasn't even sure that I wanted to act on what I was thinking about. I couldn't imagine how nervous it must have made Frankie when she was going through it and knowing that if she didn't act on it, she'd be miserable for the rest of her life. I mean, starting seventh grade and suddenly announcing to everyone—not even just your friends or family, everyone—that you liked girls and only girls? That was a huge thing, especially in a tiny, conservative town in Montana where that sort of thing got you stared at and talked about. She was incredibly brave, that was for sure.

Part of me told me that was the reason I should ask her about this. If she could be honest about what she was feeling at thirteen, and in a place where the chances she had no one to support her were far greater than the chances she did, then why couldn't I do the same at seventeen? So what if nothing happened after I told her the truth? So what if she'd changed her mind or what she'd said had been taken out of context? If I told her the truth and nothing else came out of it, then at least I could say I wasn't afraid to be honest. When it came to this, honesty seemed to count for a lot.

Unfortunately, that honesty didn't come easily when I told my best friend why I wasn't sitting with her on the way to one of our away games. For some reason, I couldn't find it in me to explain exactly why I was suddenly so interested in what Frankie was hoping to do with me. I didn't think I was going to admit anything at all until my patience snapped and I quickly confessed that fucking our team captain was on the list of things I was strongly considering doing.

When I got to her bench, I took a seat and looked over at her, wondering how I was even supposed to start the conversation. Thankfully, she paused her music and spoke first. "Hey, man, you want to talk or something?" She seemed confused by the fact that I was beside her, which I didn't blame her for. I'd been sitting next to K since freshman year.

Coach's rule about no talking slipped into my mind, but when I checked to see if he knew we were, I found that I didn't really care. This was important and I needed to be convincing if I was going to get her to take me seriously. "I hear you think I'm hot," I bluntly started with a smile.

She laughed at me, but I couldn't tell if she was amused or annoyed by the fact that I'd found out. My worry dissipated when she said, "You are pretty fine."

"Fine enough to have sex with?" I returned, letting my eyelid drop in a wink. I hoped I wasn't taking this too far, hoped I wasn't being too over-the-top. The longer I sat there with her, the more I found myself wanting her to go along with it. At first glance, she was pretty. Her and her twin sister, Jules, they both were, that much was obvious. But when you got up close to her and really studied her, she was beautiful in this effortless way. Her warm, brown eyes, the way her lips curved... There was something about them that made me want to keep staring, something that made me realize if I screwed this up now, I would be disappointed.