Love, Miss C

Heart break

7 November 2020

I thought about the boy I first loved for the first time since he broke my heart about almost two years ago.

And I cried.

And I wonder how different things would have been, if he just chose me instead.

All thoughts that I should not have, because I have been in a relationship for about 17 months with someone else now, and I truly love him.

Yet, I awoke one night due to a horrible dream I had- a dream about the first boy (let's call him C), and my current boyfriend. They are actually really good friends currently. I dreamt that I found out from C that my boyfriend is cheating on me, and he then consoled me. But that is where I woke up, and began to think about all of the hurt I felt after C chose another girl over me. How I cried myself to sleep every night for months. How much I loved him. Truly, deeply.

We started off as friends, and eventually became best friends. Luckily he lived down the street from me, so we would go for runs together every evening and afterwards take a swim together, drink water, and talk. He was always there for me in literally every aspect. I trusted him completely. But, he started to like me, but I was at the time interested in someone else, so he never did anything about it, and we just continued to be friends. After a few months, he told me. But, I did not feel the same at the time. I have always had deep feelings for him, but in the form of friendship, not love.

We started hanging out less, talked less at school, but we were still good friends. Just not best friends anymore. I was sad, of course, and I felt so guilty. Eventually, he moved on and became involved with another girl. It was during that time that I realised I was wrong. The deep feeling I felt were indeed love. And I realised it only too late. It hurt me so much seeing him with her, seeing how she changed him (not in a good way), and losing my best friend, and the guy that I loved with a slow-burn kind of love. He grew so distant, and eventually we did not talk at all.

It was the end of the year, and everyone went away on vacation for about two or three months. it was during that vacation that my feelings for him grew, even though I never saw him or talked to him. I could not stop thinking of all the beautiful memories we shared. I missed him so much, and I could not carry on hurting like that any longer. I don't know why I wanted to tell him, but I knew that I had to. I guess some part of me hoped that he would still have feelings for me. The next year, when we went back to school, I mustered up the courage and decided to tell him how I felt about him, even though he and the other girl were in a relationship.

I texted him and asked him if I could quickly swing by at his house, because I had to tell him something. That was the first time we talked again for the first time in months. When I saw him, my stomach flipped and my heart ached so intensely. I told him, and he looked at me with shock. He said that he did not know what to say to me, because he was in a relationship now. My heart broke at those words. I knew that it was indeed over- for real this time. We could never be friends or anything more ever. I lost him.

I don't know what exactly happened after that, because I was in a trance. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time. What I think happened was that I just told him "okay", turned around and walked away. When I got home, I did not talk to anyone and went straight to my room, fell on my bed, and there I cried all of my emotions out until my cushion was soaked with tears. My heart was broken for the first time.

For a few months I cried myself to sleep literally every night. Sometimes even a few times a day. I could not focus on school work, because my thoughts kept dwelling to him. Going to school was a nightmare, because there I would see them together. I did not even hang out with my friends anymore, because he and the girl were part of the friend circle. I was depressed, and not myself for a very long time. Until my boyfriend came, and turned all of my pain into joy.

I truly love my boyfriend so much. I believe that he is the one for me. But, why did I have this dream? And why do I still cry thinking about my best and closest friend that I lost?

Anyways, I believe that these thoughts will blow over soon. I just had to get them out of my system.

- C