Dipshits in Space: Season 10

116: Dead Osirian Walking

Greg sat in quarantine, both annoyed and depressed that he didn't catch it. Izleena approached, standing on the opposite side of the glass.

"I'm sorry, Mom. Can I come out of the corner now?" He sarcastically pouted.

"Greg you have a computer virus. It's contagious to anything with AI wifi within a 6 foot range."

"I'll wear a mask."

"You could get sicker by pushing yourself."

"It's my right to take the risk, and even I'm not a big enough dick to risk infecting everyone else. I'll social distance and cover my router."

"Greg this is serious. We've never seen a virus that can transmit from a non-Osirian to an Osirian host. It's totally new and masks, even one with a radio jammer would be about 90 percent effective. The hospital is about 28 percent Sephryn, and they have implants that could potentially get infected."

"Damnit...that's great. Could have a frigging plague if I leave the basement wing. Can I just shut myself down? We could go get a Gizzy and make up some shit about her being my sister...we'd have to claim we're from Kentucky though, otherwise every time I scope out my own ass, it would just seem weird."

"It would take days, you may not have days, and if you shut down, the virus may keep spreading through your brain, even though you don't have it running."

"Because I'm nuclear, and we can't shut down the reactor without detonating it. Fuck. Okay I need a defibrillator and 2 hookers with absolutely zero biomech implants or artificial systems. Stripped, that way they can't be infected."

"You have 2 organic doctors on your team, why would you need hookers?"

"Because I don't want my crew giving hand-jobs...wait...why did I even think that, let alone say that?" he asked in confusion.

"The virus is affecting your emotional connections and blocking memory paths. You could experience moments of pure instinct disconnected from your conscious memory. So you remember that you're married to my daughter, but your primal pre-Izzy self is reaching your speech before that conscious memory does."

"So I'm losing my filter, and also being overridden by my past self...oh this one is going to get really vulgar, really fast. Can I lie?" he asked.

"Is my ass really fat?" Izleena asked.

"Obviously not, we don't even have fat, and the size is technically smaller than my ideal wid-ah shit I can't even internalize my monologue anymore."

"Well there's a silver lining to this mess. What about the priest?"

"I'm not dying, and I wouldn't want one if I was, because death doesn't scare me like some mortal bitch."

"I mean the patient priest. Bug-Pope."

"I don't give a shit about that bug...okay fine, if I'm stuck being honest let's just be real here. Yes, it's politically bad if he dies and I did try and cure him for the people's sake, but someone else will take over just as badly. Advisors or his kid, it may not matter. So I don't believe it makes a difference and frankly I care more about my health and sanity than the bug's life. I hate bugs, ever since they tried to take over my Empire and kill my son...you remember the guy you were married to until I drug you he-" he paused.

"Yea maybe keep your rambling short so you don't go into an honesty-vomit and say things you didn't plan to say."

"Okay, fine. We don't have time for emotions and morality. If I lose my mind you have to stick me back in cryo, slow the virus. I can still probably fix this, but I need my whiteboard, my team, and some sedatives.