TAWAKKUL

13. Panic

"What?" I snapped.

"What happened to you? Did you get into an argument with someone again?" he asked.

"What do you mean by 'again'? You think I just go around fighting with every person I come across?!"

" I didn't say that."

"Then don't say anything!"

I needed to rest my head a little bit, but instead, I got Azlan questioning me. This gave me every reason to get all the more irascible.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my little space?"

He got up from the bed, and walked towards me until he was standing right in front of me, only a few inches apart.

"You're not telling me again. Just like the last case with mom."

He kept staring right into my eyes as he talked. There was a determined look in his eyes, because he probably thought he could make me spill out whatever I was holding within. But apart from the stubbornness, I could see something else. Maybe it was an illusion , but his eyes did seem to speak volumes.

And for a moment, I felt I'd drown in his beautiful chocolate brown orbs.

It was a thing that lasted for a few seconds probably, but within that time, when he looked at me, I had an urge to hug him.

I felt he'd understand me, because the other thing I saw in those eyes was care.

It seemed as though the Azlan who I thought was self centred was suddenly replaced with someone who actually cared. Cared about me! If I didn't know better, I'd have actually believed that.

But the truth was, I didn't want to believe it. I was scared deep within. Because every time I held my faith in such things, it hurt me even more.

The thought that I couldn't even share my happiness and sorrow with the man who is my husband added to my exasperation.

I just ignored him and started walking towards the door, when he held my hand, stopping me from leaving.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I reached the state, which I always regret being in, eventually .

"Leave my hand! " I shouted as I pulled it with such force that I almost stumbled back.

Azlan stared at me and then he uttered two words very softly "I'm sorry."

"Don't say that when you're not! Do you understand?"

"Tawakkul, I didn't mean to—"

" You've gone around flirting with girls and holding their hands so casually all these years. But, I am not like that Azlan! You can't just do anything you like."

"You're overreacting. I didn't even—"

"No I'm not. I've neither held any random guy's hand like that nor did I let them do it. So who do you think you are? If you think staying in the same room as mine gives you any rights as my husband then you're wrong. You're not even my friend. We're just two people staying together because we have no option! Do you understand that? "

" It just happened in a reflex—"

"Exactly! That's your reflex! It's very normal for you because you've been so used to it all your life. When we were back in college, you were the type of guy who would hold hands with any random girl in the class, talk sweet to them and after they'd start liking you, you'd say you never intended anything as such! I don't know if you've changed your ways or not, but whatever it is, don't try to make things that casual with me! "

There was no look of determination or any sort of care on his face now. He began looking everywhere but me. He even shut his eyes and clenched his fist as though he was trying to calm some storm that was brewing within him. But it wasn't anger. It was something different.

He didn't even say a word to me. He didn't argue or fight like he always did.

He looked at the dressing table. Reaching there, he quickly grabbed his keys and wallet and stormed out of the room.

All his actions indicated that he was panicking. But why would he panic like that?

I shut the door lock after he left.

And then I threw myself on the bed and cried my heart out. The pillow soaked all my tears and muffled my cries.

I felt bad already and it was worse after I lashed out at Azlan. I knew that I probably crossed my limits and overreacted. It's something I always tend to do when I'm too agitated. And then I regret it.

And I felt exactly that way because something about Azlan leaving the room just like that in a panic wasn't right at all.

Soon everyone was gathered for breakfast.

Mr Rishaad sat in his chair and looked around.

Azlan was missing.

"Where's Azlan?" he asked me.

And soon everyone began looking at me for an answer.

I didn't know what to say.

" I don't know. He left in a hurry and I didn't get a chance to ask him."

They gave confused looks.

"Maybe there was an emergency case, " grandma chimed in.

"Yaa, he probably had to go after some patient", I said.

"Wasn't he on a leave?" asked his mother, all the while staring at me.

"If there's an emergency, there's nothing such as a leave", I said firmly.

She rolled her eyes.

"Let's eat then," said Mr Azlan.

Even though he didn't comment further on the topic, he didn't seem to be convinced at all. I could say that because he gave me some suspicious looks from time to time, while we were having breakfast.

"I have something important to discuss with all of you. Make sure Azlan doesn't miss dinner, Tawakkul ," saying that he got up from his seat.

It was afternoon already and there was no sign of Azlan.

When I made up the hospital excuse in my head, I really hoped that he'd actually gone there.

But apparently he didn't.

He wasn't answering his calls either.

He didn't come home all day even on our first day after marriage. But this time, it was different. Different because he didn't say a word to me after I blasted him. Moreover, I never saw him panic the way he did today. There was something so weird about it. And I felt so restless.

Just then someone knocked my bedroom door. I thought Azlan was back. And I felt so relieved at that moment. I smiled broadly like I once used to and ran to open the door.

But my smile faded away.

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