covered-up reality

Chapter 6 : I Don't Deserve To Have Friends.

Cyrus pov :

I was still confused as to why they wanted to be my friends.

I know it because Mason told them too, but I can't help imagine that they want yk he my friend because they want to.

After our weird friendship started, they decided that we should sit in the cafeteria.

I really didn't want to sit in the cafeteria, I'm the outsider, I shouldn't be in the cafeteria or wherever normal students sit.

I know a part off me has accepted tjem asy new friends and I'm really happy that I can trust this girls without knowing anything about them.

I'm not always like this and that is maybe why I'm so sceptic and on the fence about our whole friendship.

All the girls have their lunches in front of them and munching on their food like their lives depend on it, while I just sat looking at the table.

I didn't want to start a conversation, not that I knew how to even, but because I didn't want to disturb their meal.

Ive learnt that the hard way. Rick thought me never to ask questions nor answer anything while he was eating because my voice makes him lose him appetite.

"Cyrus? I know that you probably still weirded out by all of this but do you mind me asking questions?"

I didn't look up, I didn't even know who asked the question.

Not knowing how or what to do, I simply nod my head, still keeping my focus down at nothing in particular?

"So... Why do you always wear that hoodie? I mean...of course it has a reason but why? And why do you have the good on to hide your face?! Girl you are so pretty... Like... Oh my gosh!"

I'm going to be honest. I really didn't think that they would be this forward but I was proven wrong.

I also thought that I would get to know their names, personalities and the common shit of them, but I was also WRONG.

Not even gonna lie, I forgot most of their names and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm tired, scared and hungry. My body is aching and I feel as if I want to puke.

Something about this girl's just makes me what to have a normal life.

A life that I don't have to pretend. A life that I do not have to walk with a hoodie so that people won't see how disgusting I am.

I want these girls to be friends with me because they want to and not because they have to.

I want them to be able to call me their friend, knowing they not doing this because some sexy popular dude told them to.

Abruptly I stand up and decided that this is not for me.

That I don't belong there with them.

I needed space. I need light, air, nature...anything that will help me to breathe.

I needed my blade...

I don't why, but my blade felt like the right solution to every single conflicted moment I'm going through today.

I need this weight on my shoulders to be lifted for a second time today.

Is it weird that I'm craving to be unconscious for a few hours?

Just for my sad and lonely life to be pause for a while.

I make my way to my locker, I need to prepare myself for the next class even though today's the fist day, I can start with tomorrow's work, following with the whole week.

I find my homework a distraction so I head to the library and go to back.

There is this place, hid from everyone that's quite and still.

This was my second favorite spot on the school campus.

No one sees me even though I see everyone.

It's like here, I'm not judged, I'm only with myself so I can be myself.

I'm not with no one. Not outsiders, not the voice in my head, not even my mother. It is just Cyrus Harley.

Here I can be myself. I don't have to pretend, walk with a hoodie or have this desire to use my blade.

Here I can smile and think that maybe someday I can have a normal life, that I will.

It makes me believe that I might have a husband or kids. That's someone would look at me...lovingly.

I hear the bell go and I know it's time it me to get to my class. I don't want to go. I don't feel like pretending anymore.

I just want to be myself. Heck, the fuck am I talking about... I don't even know myself. I don't know how I am.

Maybe... Maybe this was my way out of my misery.

Maybe this is what I need.

Mason and the girls being my friends.

I'll never tell them about Rick of course but maybe this is what I needed to feel normal, to feel like a person and maybe get to know myself.

This is what I needed and I was ready.

I am ready.

In order for me to start this, I need to remove my hood. It's the first step. The most important step.

If I want to be myself, I need to really show people who I am and what I am, but myself first.

Heyyyy guys. I know I said that I'll write more in my holiday, but damnnnn my life is hectic.

We're still renovating and I'm writing exams again! Ahhhh

How are you guys doing. So I was thinking should I edit my book while writing it or should I write it and when I'm done writing my book I should edit it.

I also wanna know how you guys are doing with this covid 19 restrictions.

And I going to try to update more regularly.

Okay bubs. See you'll soon... 👍