"We need to talk."
"No. No we don't", I responded in hushed tones.
There were eyes on us now and it was making me uncomfortable.
"Come on Elliyot!" The anger echoing in his voice. One could feel it bouncing off the walls. "We've been dancing around this for months now and I'm sick of it! Stop running and talk to me. What are you afraid of?!"
"Afraid? afraid! I wasn't the one who couldn't admit you didn't love me, couldn't love me ... for three whole years", my voice low. Then in rapid fire as the anger built, "You want to talk? Hmmm? Let's talk about the fact that I was a place holder in your life while you prayed for her to come back to you. Let's talk about that! Or how about the fact that I left here with my heart in pieces only to do it all again months later when I..." I caught myself, instinctively I put my hands over my mouth. Gasped at what I almost said. I backed away.
Then as quickly as my legs could carry me I moved through the throng of people in the banquet hall, oblivious to all except my desire to get out. My heart was pounding by the time I got to the lot. Shaking now, I fumbled for the keys. Then it hit me, I didn't drive ... I didn't drive tonight. Despite the flu Charlie had dropped me off. "Damn it!"
Phone in hand I start the walk to main office. I hope Lanny is still running his night cab. There is a vehicle rolling up behind me, I step to the side. "We need to talk. Get in."
"No." I keep walking.
"Ellie! Stop being pigheaded . Get in the damned car!"
"No!"
I was so close to surviving the night. I had smiled so much, I was beginning to wonder if some of the war paint one my face was infused with silicone. I waved, worked the crowd, engaged in small talk without visible signs of wanting to barf.
The night had been a perfect success until he walked onto the balcony and said those words. I hate him!
I repeated the words out loud, barely above a whisper, as tears pooled in my eyes.
So consumed, with anger, I failed to realize he had stopped the car and walked behind me the rest of the way. "Is that what you really feel for me?" Came the words from the darkness. Startled, I stopped.
"What does it matter now?"
Reaching out he grabbed her arm. "Don't touch me!" The last time he heard those words from that pouty mouth, they hurt just as much. The venom in them were as debilitating as a snake bite. Not this time.
This time she was going to listen and it didn't matter who else heard.
He spun her around and stepped closer, pulling her to him. "This time you are going to listen to me. Damn it! I know what you thought you heard that day but you didn't hear everything. Yes. I said I waited. I said I slept with you but what you didn't hear was. I wanted to be sure. I wanted to be sure before..."
"Before you what! Hmmm? What did you want to be sure of? That I would be a suitable surrogate?!" In my anger I hadn't chosen my words carefully and in that moment their double meaning betrayed me. Looking at me his eyes softened from rage to a painful question.
My pointed words were now adding up. "Elle?" His voice softer now. His grip loosened and warm. My words replayed in his head; '...heart broken only to do it all over months later...' and '..surrogate...', they bore a strange weight to them.
He was looking at me now, with questions in his eyes. "Where you pregnant when you left?"
My eyes darted back and forth as I searched for a plausible line, something to fit my emotions, something to hide behind. I could not think straight. I opened my mouth pulling at the air.
"Don't you dare lie to me!" The anger crept back into his voice. My lips moved but I could not answer. I could not look at him. "What did you do, Ellie? Look at me!" I could not. Instead I lowered my eyes and clenched my jaw as the tears streamed down my face, my palms cold and wet balled into fists. Then almost inaudible, "What does it matter? He.."
"He?", he paused, "You kept the fact that you were carrying my son from me and now you tell me it does not matter! Like hell it doesn't! Open your mouth and tell me or so help me..."
"He didn't make it! He didn't make it! Okay?" The last bit came out more like a plea. "I lost him before I even knew he existed. I woke one night in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, by the time I made it to a doctor, he was gone. I didn't know.. I didn't know' I repeated sobbing into my words. He released my arms and pulled me into his chest, cradling my head beneath his chin while stroking my hair.
"We need to go home"
*****
The alarm goes off and I am rattled from my most vivid nightmare in years. I fumble around for glasses and lamp in the dark. What? Wait, where are my glasses? Did a fall asleep with them on my head again? Where is the freaking lamp? There are no books on this ... whatever this is. There are no books!
I am upright now and in panic mode. In the dim light, I can make out a wall of windows and perhaps the faint lights of the city. There is a door, I think, to my left and a night stand. This is definitely not my room, not my house. Where the hell am I?
I slowly surveyed the rest of the room. To my right was another door and a couch. A couch with someone sitting on it. Instinctively, I moved back allowing the covers to roll down. Why am I in a T-shirt?
"Relax" came his voice from across the room.
"Did?"
"No we didn't. I took you home. You were inconsolable, so I made you a drink. Changed your clothes when you feel asleep and put you to bed. I slept on the couch. We can talk in the morning. Now, go back to sleep."
I was too tired and confused to argue.
