The secret of the rose

Part 3 Chapter 16

                                                                     Jenny

The sound of Steven's motorcycle wakes me from my sleep. I am rested, and fresh as a rose. My nights since the tragic death of my parents have been filled with nightmares and I often woke up mourning their loss. My mind has never been at rest for four years. Will Steven's presence finally help me forget my unhappiness and ease my suffering?

A new day has just started. Mid-term exams are fast approaching. I am well prepared, my work is done, but I still need to study a little bit more. I would have liked to spend the day with Steven; however, our romance must not distract me from my main goal. I must stay focused to make my dream come true even if the love I receive benefits me. I get up to start a new day.

I shower and eat my breakfast while getting dress. I must constantly refocus on my tasks, because my mind wanders relentlessly over the events of the day before. The images of my first kiss, the tender caresses of Steven and the soft looks come back to me constantly. With each image, I have butterflies in my stomach and chills run through my body. These are new sensations that I like. Am I ready to experience all of this? Is this the right time? Is it also mutual for Steven? My head is buzzing with questions.

Finally, ready, I take my backpack and leave my apartment. When I close my door, I discover with surprise a red rose hanging on my handle. I look everywhere for the one who could have given me this wonderful surprise. I breathe in the exquisite fragrance that emanates from it while walking towards my car. When I get close by, I notice that another rose is hanging on my windshield. A pleased smile appears on my face. Without a doubt, I know this is Steven's work. Only he knows me well enough to know that I love these flowers.

When I get into my car, I avoid sitting at the last minute on a bouquet of a dozen roses just as resplendent as the first two. This special attention makes my eyes fill with tears of joy. I have never been happier than at the time. This gesture confirms to me what I feel. My fears are just a trick of my imagination. It is too early to tell, but I think I love him. Now it is clearer in my head. He is my first love, my one and only.

But why does it scare me so much? I have loved two people with unconditional love in my life and they have disappeared. These people left me alone with my grief, raised by a disrespectful grandmother. I am afraid to let myself go in this new relationship, afraid to suffer again. Doubt and anxiety overwhelm me. I want to love him with all my heart, but the fear of being alone again, broken hearted, paralyzes me. Can I trust him? Will my karma still catch up with me?

Little by little, day after day, my doubts disappear. Every evening after work, Steven finds me on the wooden swing chair, our daily routine. Gently, I learn to trust him. I tell him about my day at the university, he listens to me with admiration. I always have interesting new stories to tell him. He finds my life fascinating and I think he likes to listen to me speak since it is I who most often do the talking.

Subtly, I gain more and more self-confidence. Under the protection of Steven, I get involved in my student life. Through the University, I volunteer as a tutor at the Raleigh youth center, which confirms my career choice. I love to see the happy faces of these children who succeed in a problem or who finally understand a question. With my insistence, Steven is also involved in car repair shops. This workshop is presented to the older children in the center. He has a gift with teenagers. His patience and his knowledge of mechanics have earned him the most praise from those involved. I watch him occasionally intervene and I am fascinated by his ease with young people.

These new challenges help us to get out of our safe cocoon. Occasionally, we are invited by other center staff to spend an evening with friends playing pool or just having a drink at the local bar. We now have a fun social life like young adults of our age. I can finally see other aspects of Steven that do not disappoint me. He is friendly and has great social skills with the people he meets. Over time, I fully open my heart and drop these barriers that prevent me from fully living this love.