The secret of the rose

Part 3 Chapter 17

                                                                    Steven

In the middle of the night, I am awakened by a terrible scream. I hear cries through the walls of the apartment next door, Jenny's. I stick my ear to the wall and try to find out what's going on. I hear her sob. A noise that breaks my heart. I cannot leave her like that. I get up and put on my pajama pants lying on the floor. I do not even bother to put on shoes. I unlock the door with the key Jenny has hidden under a flowerpot and eagerly enter her apartment.

I run up the steps leading to her room. I find Jenny in tears rocking herself, sitting on her bed. She is covered in sweat, staring into space. My heart tenses at this horrible vision. It is only when I take her in my arms that she becomes aware of my presence. At first, she pushes me away, but with comforting words and reassuring caresses, she eventually calms down. I give her the time to regain her senses before asking her the question that has been bothering me since I saw her so confused.

- Jenny, my love. What happened ?

- I had a horrible nightmare. I saw my parent's die. It was awful.

She does not tell me more, the memory of reliving this dream makes her tremble. I do not insist, I do not want to make the pain worse. She never told me about her parents, but I know they died in a car accident. I continue to rock her gently, stroking her hair. I gradually feel her calm down. When she is fully recovered, I get up to let her go back to sleep. Seeing me walk away, she grabs my hand and insists that I stay.

- Please don't go, stay with me, she said to me through a few shakes.

At the time, I hesitate. Then turning to her, I notice that her eyes which are swollen with her pain implore me. I long for her to feel safe and to find myself in her bed is a fantasy that has devoured me for some time. I know she is not ready to go further with me, out of respect, I never insisted. But this time, I am not begging for another minute. I turn off the light from her bedside lamp and lie beside her. Not knowing how to behave so close to her, I keep my distance and caress her arm. Jenny hugs and snuggles against me, her back welded to my chest. Our bodies, side by side, are in perfect harmony. Her breathing calms down, the warmth of my body soothes her. Believing that she is asleep and feeling ready to surrender to her, I whisper in her ear three little words that mean everything to me and that I have never said to any girl.

- I love you.

- I love you too, Jenny replies in a whisper.

My heart leaps in my chest, I am shock. I never thought that these revealing words could disturb me so much. Ever since my heartbeat for her, I have always hoped to hear these words coming out of her lips. I cannot believe she loves me. I do not deserve it. Not after what I did. The secret that I keep hidden deep in my memory does not allow me to be love. If I accept to be liked, it is that I accept to forgive myself. It is something I cannot imagine. Conflicting emotions jostle in my head. I chase away bad thoughts to focus on what I just heard. She loves Me. How good it is to hear such important words! I have suffered too much unconsciously for the past four years, I need her, I need her love. Maybe she could help me forgive myself?

Instinctively, I detach myself from her, but she takes my hand to tighten my grip, not wanting me to leave. I feel like she needs me as much as I need her. I know she has not had an easy journey since she never wants to talk about her past. She always diverts the subject when I want to know more about her. I do not insist, one day perhaps, she will trust me enough to confide.

A vital need to live the moment runs through me. Subtly, the desire to know every part of her body become rooted in me. I recognize that being two young adults in their twenties, this is completely normal. However, I have too much respect for her to venture into her privacy. Each caress, each kiss becomes more and more intense as the days go by. It becomes less obvious to control myself. I am always attentive and gentle with her, while respecting her limits. I try to act like a real gentleman.