The secret of the rose

Part 4 Chapter 21

                                                                    Week 1

I spend the night devastated crying all the tears in my body. The words Steven said keep coming back. Now that I know all the details, images of my parents' tragic accident are strolling before my eyes. I am shattered. The only one who can comfort me in times like these has destroyed everything. I end up falling asleep, exhausted from having cried so much.

I sleep curled up on my wet pillow all morning. Out of habit, I turn in the bed in search of Steven's comforting arms. Realizing that his side is empty, I put myself in a fetal position and go back to sleep. Around noon, a loud noise wakes me. I think I hear someone complaining outside. I barely recognize Christine's voice, begging me to come and answer the door. She is insistent, but I no longer have the strength to get up. After a few minutes, the supplications stop, and I fall asleep again. Living and reliving my parents' accident. My nightmares are horrible, and I cannot cope with them.

I open an eye towards the end of the afternoon. An urge to go to the bathroom finally insists me on getting out of my bed. After relieving myself, I automatically nibble on what comes to hand. I eat a piece of pizza that has been in the fridge for a few days. The appetite is not there, but my empty stomach demands that I feed it. I do not even bother to heat it up, eating it cold without satisfaction. I bring everything down with a large glass of milk and go back to bed.

This time, sleep takes longer to arrive. The events of the day before, persecute me relentlessly. Sadness, anger, frustration, rage, all these emotions multiply in me as I revive the scenes from last night. I blame Steven so much for telling me the truth. I would have preferred not to know anything. I hate him. Although the love I have for him tortures me.

How can I love the one who caused my parents death? How can I forgive the one who took the two people I loved the most from the world? How can I let him be in my life after what he has done? My heart and my reason are in a duel. It is stronger than me. Why did fate put this man in my way? What is the goal behind this meeting? Do my parents want to send me a message from beyond? Why is all this happening to me? Haven't I suffered enough so far? Why? Why? I do not understand anything anymore.

Christine makes another attempt at the start of the evening. I do not want to talk to her. This woman welcomed me without prejudice and offered me the affection of a mother. I am unable to confront her. Steven probably told her everything. It is too painful for me. I do not have the strength to hear what she wants to say to me. I would be helpless in the face of questions from the mother of the man who betrayed me. She would surely take her son's share despite the affection she has for me.

The insistent knocks on the door stop after a while. I have not moved from my bed. All I want is to be left alone. Tired of living my pain intensely, I fall asleep. My night is still chaotic. This time, I am not dreaming of my parents, but of Steven calling me from far away, begging me to forgive him.

My alarm clock, scheduled for the days of the week when I go to classes, wakes me up. It is when I turn around to look at where this noise comes from that I realize that it is Monday. Despite the painful events I have just experienced, life continues. I get up from my bed without energy and start my usual morning routine. Everything is done automatically. Without realizing it, I take my shower, get dressed and eat a toast for breakfast. It is when I head for the door to go to the University that I realize that something is missing. Steven's tender and affectionate kiss is not there. Tears sting my eyes, and I must constantly focus on my task. It is painful since the memories of this awful night come back to me without interruption. I realize I miss him terribly, but I must forget that feeling to continue my day.

Despite my hatred for Steven, I cannot help but wonder when I notice that his bike is not in its usual parking spot. I thought he would have gone back to his mother's place to stay near me and be there when I was ready to speak to him again. My heart ache when I think that he has already forgotten me. I love him despite what he has done. He is responsible for my misfortune. This feeling tears me apart and I hate myself for feeling these contradictory emotions.