Finding Myself

25

Idina POV

I don't know how long I can do this. Anthony is still handsome but he broke my heart. I can't have feelings for him I'm engaged. I wish this will end sooner I don't wanna see him anymore. It's awkward and I don't want James to befriend him.

We were setting up the stage while the band is rehearsing. James is not here. I wish he's here but he can't. He has a scheduled patient. I climbed the ladder trying to hang the decorations. I'm still thinking about James. What if he found out about Anthony? I'm sure he'll get jealous. After hanging the decorations I went down not looking at the band. I'm trying to act normal but LaChanze keeps looking at me and it bothers me. I know LaChanze. There's something in her mind right now. While walking down the stage I accidentally trip the wires and was going to fall when Anthony caught me at a perfect time. Our eyes meet him holding my left hand while his other arm wrapped around my waist. He was so close to me. The world around me seems quiet like we're the only person around and my heart is going crazy. His lips are so close to mine and I wanted to kiss them. What I've said that I can't have feelings for him is a total lie because I never stopped loving him. I love James but Anthony holds a part of my heart. Part that I wasn't able to reclaimed. He had it all this time that's why I never get to be whole again. He has taken it with him.

"Dee are you okay?" I snapped back to reality when I heard James voice.

"Thanks." I told Anthony and went to James. "I just tripped."

"Be careful. I don't want you to get hurt." He kiss my forehead. "Thanks bro." He turned to Anthony."

Kim is looking at me. I know her. She's looking at me like she's saying so "who are you going to choose?" but she didn't say a word and she just acted normal. She's not interfering my life. Guess she really means her promise.

Everyday is quite the same. But this time Anthony spoke to me. He's trying to start a conversation. We talked about the event then he asked about Kim. I don't know if he feels something for her. He keeps talking about her or me? I don't really know. It seems like it's Kim he's meaning but it feels like his talking about me before. Maybe I get this feeling because technically Kim and I are one person. Then out of nowhere he kissed me. I was shocked and froze. I don't remember if I kiss him back before I pull away.

"I... I... I got to go." I said blankly. I can't think clearly.

"I'm sorry." He said but I just left hurriedly.

James POV

I went to the venue to pick Idina up but they said she already left. I called her but she didn't answer her phone so I decided to go to her house. Her door is slightly open. She's not the type who forgot to close her door. I went in and see her playing the piano (the one she bought for Kim) it's the first time I heard her sing. Kim is right. She does have a wonderful voice. The song she's singing is familiar. I mean it's the first time I heard that but the lyrics, oh! I know. It's the song in one of her notebooks. I thought it was a poem about her ex. She's singing for her ex?

"Dee?" She didn't answer. She's already drunk. I went next to her. "Dee why are crying."

Tears just flow harder. She picked the bottle trying to drink but I stopped her.

"Dee that's enough. You're already drunk." The only time I saw her like this was the time we first met.

"I'm not drunk."

"Yes you are." I helped her get up. And set her in the couch.

She kissed me. "James I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Anthony and I kissed earlier."

"What are you talking about?"

"He kissed me." Tears flow again. "Why did he do that? We're supposed to be over."

"Dee I don't understand."

"He's my ex! I'm sorry for hiding it from you."

"I thought you have amnesia? I heard it from your dad."

"Yes I had but I regained it long ago - the time we first met. I was devastated because I remembered everything. I'm doing fine why does he have to screw everything?" She's sobbing.

"It's okay Dee. Everything will be okay." I comforted her.

"No it's not. He cheated but I still like him. I hate him."

I was hurt seeing her like that. I'm not hurt knowing she still has feelings for him but I'm hurt seeing her suffer. I know I haven't put back together all the broken pieces of hers and now she's totally broken again. She never got a chance to get whole. When I enter this relationship I know it won't be easy and I'm ready for it. I always am. I stayed until she fall asleep and waited for Kim to get back then I went home.