𝗙𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗬 ☾︎ 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙣𝙖

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you abruptly halted your car by the empty roadside. with heavy sighs and eyes going shut, you started feeling like the piece of shit you are.

you hang your head low against the steering wheel, no words said and only heavy thoughts.

you shot your head back up, looking through the curved, rectangular glass in front of you. the night was quiet and peaceful. well, maybe there are still a few people passing by.

you start to look around, trying to figure out where exactly you are. it doesn't seem like you were familiar with the place.

so, lessons of today, don't just go running somewhere without looking kids. your phone rang up, startling the poor heart of yours.

“ ilsong? ” you mumbled, accepting the call. his soft voice immediately broke the silence your car had bottled up.

“ noona? where are you right now? ” your eyebrows furrowed, which usually isn't what he says anytime he calls upon you.

“ oh, uuh, actually, i don't know. why the question? ” you asked, fiddling with the leather sewed around your steering wheel.

“ are you in your car? ” he responded something far away from the topic.

“ uh, yeah. how'd you know? ” you asked, eyes finally looking around again.

“ you might be near my building ” ilsong answered softly, confirming your surrounding.

you turned to look around and realized the two big apartment building over your car.

“ then, how can you see me? ” you asked, frowning. is he watching from somewhere? a few seconds of silence past by before ilsong hang up on the call.

you looked at your phone weirdly, did this kid just hung up on me? you sighed, sliding back the gadget into your pocket. a few moments later, you noticed a man walking closer to your car.

alerted, you tried to get a good look at his face, which was slightly covered with his blonde hair.

he came up to your window and knocked on it, gesturing you to bring it down. scared, but you still obeyed.

you met face to face with him and only for you to sigh in relief that it wasn't just some stranger trying to hit on you.

trust me, it happened before. no, no, it didn't go well last time.

“ you scared me ” you spoke, gaining a heartily laugh from ilsong.

“ no, you scared me. i was freaking out when i saw your car ” ilsong retorted. he was honestly thinking about calling the police if he didn't see you inside.

•

“ i'm asking you again, what are you doing out here, in the middle of the dawn? ” ilsong asked, stirring his halfway melted milkshake that he had ordered just a few minutes ago.

you said nothing, staring quietly at the glass table underneath your palm. a sigh escaped his lips, not content with the answer he got.

“ did something happened back there? ” his voice was almost nonexistent but it was there. enough for you to hear it. “ mom happened ” you answered in the same tone, eyes averted to the water running down the glass of his milkshake. the silent talking continued, neither wants to say anything.

but they know at least one has to speak up.

“ we all bad children aren't we? were we? ” his voice came out soft. to make it seems like a joke but the bitterness was what remained instead of laughter.

your fingers fiddled with the lid of the cup. what were you gonna say? was it just denying that or accepting it like you were supposed to?

but neither. it was just pure silence for the next few minutes. you felt your heart tightening. how was your mom after you left? was she sad about it?

did she broke down and realized her mistakes, or did she just act it all until the end like the actress she is and is just celebrating that you finally walk out on her?

it hurt more than anything but you just don't know how to find the strength to cry.

because you never did.

“ honestly if i say i'm over mom, i'll be lying ” ilsong spoke up after what seemed like a forever loop of silence. your head shot up at his words.

“every time i think of her, her beautiful smile, soothing words, the meals she makes, the way she hugs us three and how she used to love us, ” ilsong paused halfway through his words and you couldn't recall whether he resumed or not since the image of your beloved mother spikes up.

maybe ilsong's words had flown off somewhere or the busting music in the distance, or maybe the voices of several couples having their meals behind you.

everything sounds so foreign now. it's like your wearing soundproof headphones that everything just,,, lockout from your ears.

“ noona ” ilsong shook your forearm and it brought you back.

blinking at him with a subtle expression, you apologized. the worries on his face didn't go unnoticed.

it was crystal clear. it was easy to actually figure out ilsong's expression. out of the three, he was the most straight forward.

“ can't say that i'm perfectly good but i'm 50-50,” you said, implying him to not worry. the worry on his face didn't completely fell off but nonetheless, he still tried to.

“ do you want to stay over? ” the soft tone was back, but he was actually whispering, loud enough.

you frowned, “ no, no, no. i don't want to disturb you and hyojung ”

“ no, you're not gonna disturb us whatsoever. i'm sure hyojung would be happy for you to come over ” ilsong insisted but you still refused.

you don't have the heart to invade the married couple's privacy. it made you frown at the thought of bothering them.

and yes, ilsong was married to hyojung and that gave him the reason to leave the house. it's been four years since he left and it felt empty and couldn't be even more when it was seonghwa next who left.

“ no, it's— it's fine. i'll just go to eunbi unnie or sejeong's ” you refused and ilsong gave in. you're quite a stubborn person so he knows to fight against you is kind of impossible for him.

“ if you need anything, i'm always around ” ilsong convinced but you were far beyond that. maybe it was because you weren't used to it.

not used to relying on others.

answers didn't flee your mouth as you bid a short goodbye to the younger blonde as you avoid the subject. you could've answered. it wasn't hard to.

all there is to squeeze it force out of your sealed mouth. maybe it was the fear that kept you from answering.

you were scared. scared of the outcome. scared of what people around you would think of.

the thought didn't leave. it sat there, blank and waiting to be will in. to finally be revealed to this cruel world where people would overlook you.

you squeeze your grip on the steering wheel, leaving an ambiguous red mark sprawled across your palm, which gradually fades away.