Red Room Hours with John Tan

Waiting

You didn't even respond just backed away from the desk, bumping into someone and they pulled away with a grumble. Turning you saw a middle aged woman with a teenage boy frowning at you so you mumbled an apology just as the tears started pouring down your cheeks. She looked like she wanted to say something as her face softened but you turned away before you heard anything.

You couldn't think, where was your mom? You really needed someone else to tell you what to do next because you were spiraling into panic. Your head felt heavy and you saw flecks of black in front of your eyes. Your ears were stuffed full of cotton and your body felt too heavy for your legs to support. The thought came into your mind that your heart might explode from your chest any second, the pain intense, your hands folding over your chest as if to hold it inside. You weren't breathing, you didn't think you were breathing.

"Y/N, look at me. Y/N, I'm here, I'm right here." You felt warm hands on your upper arms lifting just as your knees started bending you to the floor. It was John's voice, gentle but full of authority and he pulled you upward against his body. You buried your face against his broad chest and neck letting him support you. If you could just breathe in his scent for a minute, just focus on that you might not completely fall apart. His hands rubbed down your back as he murmured soft words that didn't quite reach your foggy brain but the spots faded from your vision and your heart didn't feel like it would burst.

"I think it's bad, he wouldn't tell me anything, just said the doctor would come out," you gasped for breath and looked up at John. You tried to tell him what happened but your crying made the words come out in a jumbled choked mess. "The way he looked at me, I know it's something really bad." John hugged you back into his chest again, his lips to your ear whispering softly and this time you made out the words.

"Robbie is watching, keep your voice down babygirl, we can't upset him again okay?" He kissed the side of your head and squeezed the back of your neck.

There was truth to his statement, if your brother saw you falling to pieces he'd do it too, he wouldn't even know why and then you'd have him to worry about all over again. You dragged air into your lungs and exhaled it slowly, after several repetitions you felt the blood moving in the right places and you pulled back from John. He used his thumbs to brush the last few tears from your cheeks, watching you closely.

"Y/N." You turned to see your mom barreling toward you. She appeared disheveled, her jacket buttoned crookedly, her purse held by only one strap, practically falling open, brows drawn tight and eyes as red as yours. "Have you heard anything?"

John patted your arm gently and returned to the kid's table with Robbie. You pulled her farther down the row of chairs putting distance between them and your conversation.

"They didn't tell me anything, just said they'd let the doctor know we're here." You bit into your lip, right on the broken skin from earlier to curb any tears or emotion from beginning again. At the last moment you decided to spare your mom the nurse's reaction to pulling up your dad's name in the computer system.

She didn't ask anything else but hugged you fiercely and kissed your forehead. Your brother had finally noticed her arrival and she released you to meet him for a hug as well. He remained calm and she controlled her emotions as to not upset him. Everyone found seats together to wait for news, Robbie leaning into your mom quietly, no longer interested in toys or books.

"Thanks for driving her, John. It took a lot of effort to drive myself here safely so I'm grateful she was with you tonight." John blushed at your mom's praise and replied something you didn't catch because you had turned your attention to the hallway with the double doors where patients and medical staff funneled in and out. When no one came through the doors for several moments you turned and laid your head against John's shoulder, the anxiety and worry making you sick. Your concept of time lapsed but you snapped back into the moment when you heard someone say your father's name.