Efflorescence

For him (tres)

We chatted last night you asked me if I was fine, maybe you saw my recent status and 'my days' that states how terrible I am feeling lately. I told you I'm okay but then you started calling me with our call sign then you said that you like me still. I thought I was going to be happy because finally after months of being seperated and longing for you, you came back. I thought when the days come where you want to be with me I will open you with open arms neglecting the fact that you left me broken once.

Sure I admit that I was silently waiting for you, silently wishing that you will love me the same as before. But you know what? I didn't feel anything last night. I thought my heart will start to beat erratically just like how it usually do when we chatted before but no I feel nothing but plain casualty. My heart was at peace and that confused me but instead of rambling about how everything turns out when you were gone, I end up giving you advices about love.

You told me your scared to fall in love again because you always end up rejected and broken. That made me think again, "have I ever rejected you?" you said you don't know but I know deep inside your heart is screaming that I did, that I did rejected you before and this time.

I told you that I have someone I hold dear and that even though he is far from me he is special and I don't want to hurt him. "How lucky of him," you said. Yes, I feel guilty because I know I have caused you another pain and that I have contributed again to the scars you have in your heart.

We ended our chat with our good nights but you know what? I didn't have the chance to tell you what I really feel.

But I just want you to know this, thank you for everything. You made me grow as a person. You taught me so many things.

Sorry for hurting you.

Sorry for rejecting you again.

But you know that we can't force something that is not meant to be.