The Two Of Us - An ALTA X Reader Fanfiction

Chapter Seventeen~ I Can't Do This

TW: VOMITING, VIOLENCE, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL IDEATION

(Y/N POV)

When I first woke up, all I could register was discomfort. My limbs felt heavy and slightly numb, my lower back hurt and nausea rapidly spread throughout my body. I managed to turn onto my side and promptly fell off the bed, puking onto the floor beneath me. I could feel the floor thud as someone ran to my side.

"Y/N? Hey, hey it's okay, let it out.."

Recognizing Tophs voice I tried to take a deep breath, instead dry heaving and beginning to cry. My throat burned with acid, and I coughed roughly. An arm circled around my shaking frame and she lifted me effortlessly, uncaring about the vomit covering my side. I tried to resist weakly but gave up, resting my head against her shoulder and letting her carry me into the bathroom. Carefully she placed me on a small stool and turned the water on to warm before undressing me. I fought to stay sitting upright, and felt confusion deep into every inch of me. What was wrong with me?

My eyes felt crusted shut, and I could guess that I had been out for a while. As Toph quietly rinsed me down I slowly moved my arms, taking some water and cleaning my eyes. As I opened them I winced, the dim light of the room too bright at first. My vision adjusted and I audibly gasped as I looked down at my body.

Somehow I was even thinner than before. I could clearly see the bones at my joints protruding, as if I hadn't eaten in weeks. Even sitting was taking so much energy that I was trembling. But the most startling part was that the only part of my body that looked somewhat normal was my belly. It was soft looking and oddly out of place with the rest of my body. I gently rested a hand over it and felt a chill run down my spine.

"Toph?" My voice was small and softer than before, raspy from disuse. I didn't sound like me.

"Yeah?"

I hesitated.

"How long have I been asleep?"

Toph didn't hesitate to respond, a knowing sadness in her tone.

"One month."

Her voice trailed off, as if she had something else to say, and part of me knew what it was. Dread grew in my gut as I forced myself to ask my only other question, one I was certain that I had correct.

"I'm pregnant, aren't I."

It came out as a statement. This time Toph did hesitate, but answered me anyways.

"Yes, you are. Nobody but me, Zuko and his physician knows though."

I could practically hear her roll her eyes.

"He has insisted on being kept in the loop about your condition so he can relay it to Twinkle-Toes. As far as I know he hasn't told him about this though, we wanted to respect your privacy enough to let you know first."

I paused, a mix of grief, anger and hurt swirling inside me.

"He...hasn't he come to visit then."

Toph placed a hand on my back, helping me ground myself. She didn't have to answer, and she knew it. He hadn't come to see me, not once. I knew somewhere in my mind that it made perfect sense, I was recovering and he wouldn't want to risk whatever was happening between us to hurt me before I could properly heal. But overriding the logic was a hormonal grief. Was it really so easy to just walk away? It had to be because of what I did to Katara. What I did was unforgivable, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't love me anymore.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I vaguely registered people around me at different points; Sokka, seeming tired but distant (I hurt his sister, of course he doesn't want to be here), Zuko wrapping me in a warm hug when he saw me (Why are you touching me? I'm a monster), and Toph only leaving my side a few times to go get some food or use the restroom. I flexed the muscles in my arms and legs throughout the day as I sat in bed, relishing the feeling of the energy returning to my body.

Over the next few days I simply sat in my bed, dwelling on what I remembered and slowly eating whatever food was brought to me. They had kept me fed while I was out, something I was guiltily thankful for as my strength slowly returned. Eating, however, was a chore. Everything tasted like sawdust, and quite frequently I would eat only to have it come right back up. I couldn't stop my hands from drifting over my belly, holding it protectively. My mind hadn't registered yet everything that was happening, and subconsciously I relished in the temporary calm of ignorance and despair.

Time drug on however, and Toph left to go continue her work as I grew more self sufficient. In my isolation I began to leave my bed and wander my room, and I fell victim to my thoughts. Why was I still here? I could have killed Katara easily, I hurt her deliberately. I didn't deserve to be here, where I could hurt someone else. That was probably why Aang hadn't come to see me. I was dangerous, I prevented him from being the Avatar he needed to be by holding part of his soul captive. He had every right to hate me, to never want to see me again. A part of my heart longed to see him again, to have him hold me close and tell me everything would be alright, that he loved me still. It felt far too soon to be in love but I knew that I was, and knowing only made my chest hurt worse.

Panic attacks hit me daily, and I endured them alone. Evening would find me curled up in the corner of my room, breathing erratically and crying, trying desperately to slow the pace of my heartbeat. I wasn't stable enough to be a mom. Aang wasn't coming back for me, so there was no point in staying here. All I was doing was draining their resources by existing, taking extra food and medicine Zuko insisted on sending to my room, things I didn't deserve.

Two weeks passed before I decided to leave. Wrapping myself in the clothes Aang lent me when I first got here, I held my arms tightly around myself, willing myself to not back out now. I had a small bag of money tucked into my waistband, just enough to get me far away from here, and my cloak to keep me warm. A part of me knew leaving would be suicidal, but somehow that only encouraged me to leave. I didn't deserve to be here, and maybe I didn't even deserve to be alive.

In the early hours of the morning, when everyone was long asleep and the house was still and quiet, I made my way down the hallway, fighting the urge to turn around with every step.

As my hand touched the doorknob I heard a cough behind me and jumped, spinning to see Katara sitting in the dark, eyes trained on me. We stood in silence for a moment, our gazes never leaving the other. My shame and regret swirled in my gut, the urge to vomit rising.

"I'm so-"

"Go."

Her single, hate filled word cut off my apology, and I felt the shame overwhelm me. Of course. My apology was unwarranted and unnecessary, because what I had done was unforgivable. Nodding slowly I turned back to the door and opened it, flinching as the cool night air hit my face. Forcing the acid down in my stomach I left, softly closing the door behind me.