Part Two: the Sequel

seeing the world through rose tinted glasses.

Warning: This post is very very long, and is more for self-therapy and self-healing than anything. It has to do with my recent breakup.

I'm not gonna lie, today has been... really hard. It would have been my anniversary with my boyfriend, but I found out he was cheating on me a little less than a week ago and I just... I broke up with him when he told me. It broke my heart, but I've always told myself that if I was in this situation, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. I couldn't do that to myself. And so I stayed true to my word. But it hurts like hell. I don't know what to do with myself most of the time.

I think what makes it hurt more is that we were talking about marriage. I told him he could propose after we'd been dating for a year and a half, but honestly? If he'd proposed last week, I probably would have said yes. We were talking about marriage, and getting an apartment and a cat together, and we were talking about our future after school and where we might end up for work. I was dreaming of a life with him. We had no problems. I was even considering having children with him. Years after we were married, but still. The thought was planted, and I've never wanted kids. And then he starts a video chat with me and drops this bomb on me. 

I felt like my world was crumbling. At first it took me a few seconds to process what he'd said. And then I did, and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe him. He told me he'd cheated on Sunday. I thought back, and he'd been at my dorm on Saturday. I'd seen him, kissed him, held him, loved on him, and then the next day, he cheated. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. We stayed on that video call for maybe half an hour, him talking to me, crying, me in stunned silence and eventually tears, before I told him I have to go end ended the call. After the call dropped, the room was too silent. I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't. I wanted to throw something, to yell, to cry. Instead, I wrapped myself in a blanket, sat on our futon, and sobbed. I called my roommate and asked her to come back to the dorm, and when she got back she found me in my worst state. I had never felt more broken. Minutes before I had gotten the video call from my boyfriend, I was on the phone with a friend, and she'd asked me when our anniversary was and what our plans were. I had told her what I'd made and what I thought we might do to celebrate. I was so happy. And now, maybe an hour later, I was so broken I could barely speak. 

I had my roommate help me text my boyfriend a message saying we had to break up, and pressing that send button was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Then I texted my mom. "I broke up with him. He cheated on me." My boyfriend called me maybe ten minutes later, but my roommate declined the call for me before I could do anything. Then my mom called. All I could do was sob while she was on the phone with me. I was so heartbroken. Everything at my dorm reminded me of him, even the shower. I couldn't escape him. 

Now it's our would be anniversary, and I just feel numb and sad. I was so looking forward to this day. I had made him a plaque out of two picture frames so both sides were glass. It looked like the spotify page for the song When I'm Sixty Four by The Beatles (it was our first dance), but instead of the album art, I'd put my favorite picture of us. There was a workable spotify code beneath the picture for the song. I was so excited to give it to him. Now it's sitting in my desk at Central. 

I've never felt so broken before. I never thought this would happen to me, and I never imagined he'd be the one to break me. What we had was so good. There were no problems. And then there was this huge problem. It was like a shift in worlds. I went from seeing the world through rose tinted glasses to alternating between crying and numbness, and crying myself to sleep. 

I'm healing. I can tell I am. It's slow, and it's painful, and I don't know if I'll be able to risk that heartache with anyone for a long time, but I'm healing. And that's all I can hope for right now. I have amazing friends to support me, and they've been incredibly helpful. It's funny, I didn't realize how many people cared about me until this happened. Now I can see I've got a solid network of support. So if anything good could have come out of this, I suppose that did. 

2020 truly has been a shit year. I feel like anything that could have happened, did. I'm drained. I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. 

I am more than ready for change, and growth, and healing. 

If you've read this far, thank you for taking the time to listen to my long, rambling story. Like I said, this was mostly to help me try to heal, and to process things. But it does mean a lot to me that someone is willing to set time aside to listen to me.