Part Two: the Sequel

i don't like living.

I very strongly wish that I did not exist. It's not that I want to die, because I know I have a few really great friends who care a lot about me, and I still want to do a lot in life, and also dying sounds painful and scary and the only kind of painful and scary I want in my life is piercings and tattoos, I just... Wish to not have to feel. I feel numb and sad and lonely all the time, and nothing I do helps it. I talk to people, I work out, I play games, I read, I practice my instrument, I clean, I do all the things that I normally like to do and still... Nothing changes. I think a large part of it is because every day looks the same and although I do things I enjoy, I have no motivation, so I really just waste my time and sometimes actually do something, and I feel like I'm falling into a void and no matter how loud I scream for help, nothing will save me. 

And, of course, I know a large part of this has to do with my break up. It's frustrating, because I'll talk to my friends and they'll check up on me, and I'll tell them honestly how I'm doing, and I'll say things like "I don't know why I'm so sad and so lonely and so numb all the time," and they'll respond with something along the lines of, "It's because you're going through your first break up," or "I know you feel like the world is ending, but it's not. You'll be okay." And I know they're trying to be helpful, but it feels so condescending to me. I feel like they're treating me like I'm a child. Like I'm this fragile child because this is a first for me. I'm sorry if I sound like a bitch right now, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of feeling like my friends are treating me like a child when they're just trying to help, and all I want right now is to feel okay. I want security. I want to feel loved. And safe. And wanted. And the only person who made me really feel that way was my ex, but then he fucking cheated so now I don't know what to believe. 

I'm all screwed up and I hate it. I hate feeling this way, I hate that I have to fake my happy, I hate that I let myself trust someone with my heart like that, and I hate that no matter what I do, I don't feel okay. Or my okay is so fleeting that I don't know if I can even count it at all. 

I want to romanticize my life, and live like I'm the main character, but right now I feel like a side character, and not the side character that you like because they're funny, or they're fierce, or they're just cool as hell, I feel like the side character that you don't like because the directors wrote them in as a side thought and didn't fully flesh out their personality or motives and just put a half built character in there. I feel like something is missing, like I'm broken, like there's something wrong with me, but I don't know what. 

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so cut off from the world and so isolated from everyone. 

I'm sorry if I sound like a bitch or if I'm depressing you or annoying you, I just need to vent, and I know barely anyone reads these anyway, so... This is my outlet. 

I wish I felt whole again.