The Romance Chemical

Careful

That night I lie awake and contemplate what Gerard really means to me right now. It seems that I am chasing after someone who no longer exists, and who has not existed for a long time. That boy who smiled at me when everyone else glared, the boy who befriended me when everyone else despised me, the boy who brightened up my life when everyone else cast me into darkness. The boy who gave me something to live for until he was killed by the chemical romance. I am trying to resurrect a ghost of a memory, it's not existent but even then I keep trying to hold on.

I stand up and trace my reflection in the mirror, my true image that terrified me this morning. Gerard is not the only casualty from the chemical. A tear slides down my cheek and I mouth 'weak' to myself. Because that's all I am, the weak shell of someone who relied on the one closest to them to fill the void. Now that Gerard is gone, my life has caved in on itself and it is destroying me. The more I think about it, it is like someone is slowly pulling the curtain away, exposing the truth. Gerard is gone, and I know that. But it is time I stopped pretending everything is gonna go back to normal. It's time I gave up on Gerard and started living my own life. And as I stare at my reflection one last time, I can see a spark of determination in my eyes where desperation lay before.

I delete all my texts from him, all our late night conversations on messenger. I gather up everything in my room that is associated with Gerard, all the gifts he gave me, the notes he passed me in class that I keep, everything from him that I treasure, and I pile it up in the center of my room. I grasp a box of matches in my hand and have a bucket of water on hand incase things go wrong. This is the final step. My hands shaking, I strike a match and drop it onto the pile. I didn't expect this much pain though, and as the match hits the paper I consider saving everything and hiding it away. Instead I force myself to watch my fondest memories burn until all that is left is the ashes of what once was and never can be.

It is fifth period the next day when I finally see Gerard. Yet again he is standing beside my locker but this time he is in a heated argument with that Lyn-z girl. I look down and let my fringe cover my face, so he won't recognise me. As I walk closer I can make out some of what they're saying.
"Lyn-z you don't wanna do this. Cmon give me a chance."
"I'm sorry for leading you on, I wouldn't have dated you if I knew you were such a fucking douche! What did that kid ever do to you? You guys were so close. " Ah so they are talking about what happened yesterday, maybe she's not so bad after all.
"Well he was a shit eating fag for starters-"
A sharp smack sound resonates down the corridor as Lyn-z's palm collides with Gerard's face. "IT'S OVER YOU TWO FACED DICK!" She storms off to her next class but Gerard is still standing there in shock.

Still looking down, I make my way over to my locker and quietly grab my books. I feel a presence behind me and spin around to see Gerard staring at me, his face contorted in rage. "This is all your fault fag!" He yells at me but I tilt my head to the side as if I am unsure what he is talking about. "I'm sorry but who are you?" Because I don't know him, this person standing in front of me is unfamiliar. Confusion is clearly etched into his features and I see a flash of what can only be described as hurt appear in his eyes. I used to get lost in his eyes, there was always an element of animosity and kindness in them which drew me in like a moth to the flame. But I am finding no beauty in the cold, cruel eyes that are currently judging the best way to bring pain to me. In fact nothing about Gerard is currently attractive to me right now, all the spirit and cheer that made him so beautiful is no longer there, only a crude outline that is doing a poor job of imitating him.

As I realise this I laugh softly and Gerard glares at me, but he no longer has the power to make me tremble. "Of course you know me freak, I'm you worst fucking nightmare." The over used insult only makes me laugh harder and some of the venom leaches from his eyes and is replaced by that flash of hurt again. "You must've confused me with someone else, sorry." I sneer and he recoils slightly. "But whoever you thought I was, let me tell you, that is not how you treat other people. No wonder your girlfriend left you. You despise me." I lean close to him and I can hear his breath hitch... I spit in his face and walk off leaving him to stew in his self caused misery because I sure as hell ain't comforting him. And as I walk further and further away I realise, that for the first time in a while, I am actually feeling okay.