lucid dreams ༄ bnha various

XIV

❝ its okay to lose! i lose all the time! there's no shame in that. ❞

It was back to square one. I was back at the fighting grounds for the second spar of today. My sparring partner was Kirishima. He had a quirk to protect himself from any physical attack and his punches hurt like a bitch when he had his quirk activated. Goddammit Aizawa, what kind of bullshit is this? Making me struggle as a gifted child. Bull crap. I fumbled with my hands, my thumb tracing Mom's wedding ring. Mom, give me strength cause I swear to God I'm about to get beat up.

I was worried.
Extremely, severely worried. Beyond afraid. Terrified. Gut wrenching fear.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit but it gets the fucking point across.

"Hey, it's great to finally spar with you [L/N]!" Kirishima grinned.

"...guess so." I mumbled.

"Let's have a good one, shall we?"

I glanced up with a smile. "Yeah..."

If I make this quick and easy then I won't sustain injuries. I ran at Kirishima, giving a mouthful of fist before he got the chance to harden his body. How would I make him immobile? I don't know. I'll worry about that later. Kirishima aimed a punch towards my face which I nearly dodged. I hissed, feeling a scratch graze across my cheek. I clicked my tongue, annoyed. My eyes scanned my surroundings. Nothing. My eyes wandered for a weak spot on Kirishima.

Pretty much hardened.

I wonder if his di-

I'm not going to continue with that.

Kirishima through another punch. I narrowly ducked, swinging my leg into his side. I hissed, feeling the cuts grade against my leg due to how sharp, or rather hard his skin was. That was leaving several cuts and a bruise. Maybe a scar. That would be cool. I stumbled backwards, grumbling. God, it fucking hurt. Kirishima used that opportunity to land a hit on me. I bit my lip, trying not to scream. It hurt like a bitch. I stumbled, falling onto the ground, blinded. I felt blood across my cheek. I touched it gently, hissing at the stinging sensation.

Kirishima tried to use the opportunity once again to knock me over. I quickly responded as he tried to grab my wrist to pin me over. I slammed him into the ground. I grabbed his hands and held them behind his back. Kirishima squirmed. Well, he was technically immobile. He kept rolling around, sending us rolling around in the grass like fucking toddlers. We wrestled in the grass. Honestly, it was all a blur. It happened to fast. I probably gained several cuts and bruises.

I wasn't really trying.

I didn't really care. Kirishima stopped, grabbing a hold of my wrists, my back digging into the dirt. I blinked as he locked my legs by putting his shoes on the gym uniform I was wearing. Goddammit flared pants. Why does the gym uniform work this way? I clicked my tongue, squirming around with the best of my abilities. His grip was tight on my wrists. My breath hitched as we locked eyes. I could barely breathe. Frankly, I was out of breath from all the wrestling. My chest rose up and down as his red eyes stared into my own eyes.

Something about his ruby red eyes were mesmerizing. I shook my head, forcing myself to look away from him. "...god." I sucked in air, shutting my eyes. "Fine..I-"

"Kirishima Ejiro has won the match!"

Kirishima got off of me, quickly lending out a hand for me to grab. I paused, sitting up. I actually lost for once.

Like earlier. My mind flashed to when the police had actually managed to cuff me. I could practically hear the gunshot in my ears.

"[L/N]?" Kirishima spoke up.

I flinched, shaking my head. I glanced up, taking his hand.

"That was a good match." Shark Teeth said with a wide grin.

"I guess..., for you anyways." I fumbled over my words, practically defeated. I mean, I technically was defeated. I lost the match.

"It's okay, [L/N]."

It really wasn't.

I hate losing.

I nodded, balling my hands into fists.

I think he could tell I was frustrated.

"It's okay to lose!" Kirishima said, patting my back with reassurance. "I lose all the time." Man, I feel bad now. "There's no shame in that." He grabbed a hold of my shoulder, rubbing it. I guess he was trying to comfort me. I don't even know why I was upset. I didn't even try. I didn't even care. I didn't even use the quirk I built upon.

I smiled back at him, rubbing the back of my neck. "Yeah. One loss isn't bad at all."

Technically, my second.

I was shaken up, mostly due to the flashbacks from last month.

That was a month ago?

I've been here in U.A for a month?

What the fuck.

How am I not dead yet?

I let out a sigh, smiling. I headed back inside the dorms.

I needed to treat my injuries.

And God, I needed a big fat cry.

And a good nap.

I left the infirmary, heading to the girls' rooms. It would be empty since everyone was training and doing matches. I didn't have to train. I was a privileged student with natural talent. Privileged. That's all I was. Privileged.

I slammed head first into my futon. Too much has happened in only a month. I shook my head. I groaned, feeling sore practically everywhere. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to be vulnerable. Someone could come in.

I took in a shaky breath.

My hands were shaking badly.

Nothing even happened.
I just lost.

Yet the gunshot with the fire everywhere was still there.

Holy fuck, do I have PTSD?

I buried my head into the pillow. I was practically exhausted.

I don't like crying that much to be honest. I hadn't cried since Mom died. It was a preference. I'm not a sociopathic edgelord. I had emotions, not good ones for a while. I don't know if I've been actually happy. Being in UA has helped...

Wait what the fuck did I say?