Psycho (Han Jisung)

5. I Have "Nothing" To Lose

I just want to kick the door down. Who the hell put such a long code on the front door.

"God damn It Minho" I finally put the last number in and the door opens. I just crash myself inside the apartment. My anger traveling down to my leg that kicks the door closed in a second.

Why can't I control myself. I feel like slamming the TV of the floor and turning the kitchen table upside down and throwing the couch out of the damn window.

How can someone do this to a kid. A god damn kid who wasn't even sick. A nine years old innocent kid. Is it that fun to play with someone's life. To screw someone over just like that.

I don't even know how to calm down. Usually things don't upset me so much but this triggers more than just anger. I can feel pain building up in my throat.

They look so similar now when all the memories run through my head. Both misunderstood, being hidden under the mask of other people's judgments that they made for them, not able to say anything.

A psychopath?? Psychopath my ass.

I crash myself on my bed, my eyes landing on the teddy bear next to the pillow.

The tears slowly start to build up in my eyes. I could have changed something. Only if I saw through her smile. Only if I was able to see the hurt in her eyes.

I was so focused on myself that I ignored her completely. Only if I turned over my shoulder to look at her again, maybe, just maybe I would see her pain. Maybe I could have changed something.

I was the only one she had. Why didn't I do anything. Why did I keep passing her in the hallways. Why did I only crack jokes around her and never did anything useful.

I could have changed something. I could have done something. I could have listened to her hurt.

The guilt washes over me triggering even more emotions. I held the teddy bear in my palms. The 'I love you kiddo' seems heavier than ever before.

If I had one chance to just go back at that one day. I could change everything. I would just let her cry on my shoulder. I would have never left if I knew that would be the last time I would get to see her smile.

I gently pres the the red heart in the teddy bears plashy hands.

"Hii kiddo!! I- I wish you a happ- happy birthday!! You are eight- eighteen now. And I hope you are- are happy. I am sorry If I ga- gave you a hard time. I'll be quieter from now- now on. Make sure to- to eat well. Don't skip your meals. Slee- sleep well and take care of- of yourself. Don't be to hard on- on yourself and just be happy o-ok?? Thank you fo- for you beeing the b- big sister ma- many times and thank you fo- for taking care o- of me. I'll be with you n-no matter where- where you end up ok?? I love you. I rea- really do."

My quiet sobs started to fill the room as the message cams to it's end. Damn my mood swings are incredible.

I just cry it all out. It hasn't happen in a while. I haven't heard her beautiful exciting voice in a while. Remembering her beautiful smile and her long dark brown hair.

I want it all back. I want her back.

--

I spend the next hour wrapped in my bed sheets. The warmth gives me comfort and the fresh washed smell calms my nerves down.

The moment I hear the front door open I jump up and quickly run to the bathroom to wash my face a bit before facing him.

I looked at the mirror and smiled at myself. I got this I shouldn't make him worry to much about me.