Death Formula | KTH ✓

5. And Then the Death Formula Came In

Disgusting.

The sunlight felt annoyingly disgusting.

I observed the vast canopy of the sky, revealing the brilliance of the day, from a chair at one end of the space, drawing my legs close to my chest. Then I got up, walking like a mannequin, I pulled the drapes together on the window, angrily whereafter, my eyes landed on the mirror.

Moreover, the figure inside the mirror.

Disgusting.

The reality check was a mirror. What they displayed was the actual, authentic self of my own. The good news was that they didn't lie about me, didn't cast me in a demeaning light, or maybe even didn't conceal my true nature but they were merciless, uncaring and ruthless as they presented me the truth---that I was disgusting.

After all, mirrors were bound to nobody.

I gazed at my horrifying reflection, a stoic countenance on the face, not too indiscernible to not recognise the crestfallen shadow. I noticed the bruise on my cheek and great purple welts that would only deepen over the coming week. The dark circles under my eyes too that I was certain would grow darker with time. My slim fingers brushed across the red lines on my neck.

If Hyunwoo were to witness this, he must be quite thrilled, I thought to myself.

Again, the same thought---that of dying, surrounded by unfavourable feelings---crossed my numb and mute mind.

I was cognizant of the cavern---deep and dark inside my head, where there was a rope ladder out of this labyrinth of gloom, one you could utilize to clamber out of, the trouble was that I just couldn't find the wish to reach out for the first rung, let alone attempt.

My reverie broke when I heeded a knock on the door.

Taehyung.

"Soa, it's almost afternoon, and you haven't stepped out of the room. You need to eat." Taehyung's desperate voice sounded like an obnoxious cavilling to me.

"I'm not hungry."

After a minute's pause, he said, "okay." I felt relieved.

"But we can at least talk right?" I sensed a hint of hesitation in his voice as I reasoned the offer.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Can I answer that when you open the door?"

I asked hesitantly, "you...you don't have anyone with you, do you? Like a therapist or something?"

My mother had once brought a therapist at home and I had heard her tell him, "fix her"---as if my mind needed to be repaired or I needed to be mended.

"What is this? Twenty-twenty questions? Now open the door," he said, annoyed.

After a wash of cold, I pulled the door open wide and stood aside so that he could enter. He was wearing a sage coloured polo t-shirt with his khakhi pants.

"Do you like this room?" he asked, hands behind his back and I nodded.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked with a wan expression on my face, sitting on the chair as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm not a stalker and you're not a stranger to me because I have seen you in school many times---"

"But I never saw you."

"Shut up. Don't cut me in like this again. I'm in the middle of something. So, I have often seen you getting bullied and harassed by Hyunwoo and his friends. Yesterday, I saw Hyunwoo and you...you blacked out before I could reach but I did get you to the infirmary later on."

"So it was you!"

"Why is it so difficult for you to shut up? I'm speaking!" he jeered but I was peeved too as I crossed my arms and hunched silently onto my seat.

"Now, the thing I want you to do now is," he fished out a pen and a blank paper from his pocket and shoved them in front of me, "write about yourself."

I stared at him, appalled, "Do I look like a five-year-old to you?"

"No, but if you're going to write that your hair and eyes are black then you are a five-year-old with no doubt," he said impassively.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm the only one who can help you. I have a key to suicide; the death formula."

I peered at him, quizzically with a hint of dissatisfaction. My brain told me that it was of no help yet I wanted to just try it because something about the way he said seemed genuine, seemed as if I could believe his every word and so despite not wanting to do so, I took the pen and paper and scribbled down a few words about me and I handed him back the thin parchment when I was done.

"‘A person who has no reason to live?’" he read, stunned as he gaped at me, "is that all you thought of yourself?" I bobbed my head.

Sighing he got up from his seat and walked off, shaking his head. I almost considered that he left without a word until he came back with a warm fluffy blanket in his arms.

"Here. It will rain soon and you may need something to chafe your skin in the chilly atmosphere," he handed it over to me.

Walking up to the door, he halted as he glanced at me, smiling, "see you." With that, he shut the door.

"I'm afraid, I wouldn't be able to see you, Taehyung."

I will do it again.