Death Formula | KTH ✓

8. And the First Rule

Just like the other days, I would have been in the arms of Morpheus today too if only Taehyung hadn't pulled me out of the bed and ultimately out of the house at the crack of dawn merely so I could feel the morning air.

Strolling side by side, upon Taehyung's recommendation, we were in the nearby park with me in my loose pantaloons and black hoodie.

The air was like that in a walk-in freezer, it had a certain moistness to it but it was as cold as hell. It felt thick as I breathed it in, coating the inside of my throat. Every day, felt like a month of Sundays to me but walking in the park beside Taehyung indeed felt good, surprisingly just like the morning breeze.

The cold air hit my cheeks as it blew the hairs off our bared heads. The hint of the musty smell of rain, lingered in the air indicating that when everyone was safe in their houses, wrapped up in their warm blankets that brought them profound sleep, the sky had been crying tears. Crying like me.

The only difference was that this crying of the clouds would be temporary and everyone knew it. Once monsoon would go, summer would take its place and the clouds would no longer cry but I would certainly keep on crying till the day of my death.

Death.

My vain attempts to commit suicide certainly didn't work as Taehyung always managed to save me somehow. I was astounded that instead of thinking about how I would do it again, my mind kept on drifting back to the same three words that I had heard precisely the moment before I was going to commit suicide that day.

Don't do this.

The faint muffled voice that perhaps originated from the depths of my brain, forsooth got my turbulent thoughts hooked around it.

Where the huge part of me wanted to do it, there was an infinitesimal part of me who was not willing to do it. A tiny bit of me who yet wasn't ready to leave this world but why? I had enough of those nights long laments and now emotions inside me were drained. Drained out to give you a bucket full of sorrow.

I was hopeless.

And I knew that whenever this feeling laced with my heart, it brought the desire back to end this life.

I and life were incongruous.

Just how a purple couch couldn't sit right in an all-white room, just the way a wealthy woman driving a wrecked car seemed discordant, I and life together appeared odd to me but, 'the enormous but' was that there was a teensy-weensy part of me who didn't find it odd.

And I knew I had to do something about that. Tilting my head towards to side to peek at the boy beside me, I asked, "Taehyung, can you tell me more about that death formula of yours?"

The moment I said that Taehyung's face lit up, eyes crinkling cutely as his face portrayed the utmost amount of happiness that I had never felt in my life. "Finally!" He exclaimed.

And I started feeling a little embarrassed but he was too hyped to notice, "There!"

His shout rented the still air as I followed his gaze to land my eyes on an old woman afar who right then stumbled and fell onto the concrete pavement. Without thinking, spontaneously I broke into a run, dashing straight towards the old woman.

"Ajumma! Are you okay?" I helped the woman get up and made her sit down on the nearby bench in the park.

She sighed as she glanced at my worried face, a soft smile playing on her lips. "My child, thank you so much. God bless you." She patted my head affectionately and unknowingly a smile crept up on my once wan face.

A couple of moments later, the woman had resumed her walk as I watched her fade away just like the early morning fog.

"So what are you feeling right now?" Taehyung appeared beside me, startling me as he waggled his brows, questioningly.

What was I feeling?

"Strangely happy?" He suggested and I bobbed my head up and down, indicating a yes.

The tiny bit of happiness inside me sprouted like a seed, promising to grow big one day. The small gesture of mine meant a lot to me even though I knew it wasn't much.

"What do you feel of yourself?" He asked again, twisting the question a little this time and now I knew exactly what he was intending to ask.

For the first time in my life, neither did I hate myself at least for a moment nor did I love myself. I was in the middle of the bridge.

"And it's a great thing to start with." As if reading my mind like always, Taehyung spoke, a hint of surety in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

Sighing, Taehyung shook his head before grabbing my shoulders to give me a jerk as he bent to come down on my eye level and said, "This was your first rule of death formula; help others if you feel helpless."

---

I cannot wind this feeling up in words but try it once. Whenever you feel sad or helpless, go around and help others, you'll feel light and free. It's my personal experience.