Death Formula | KTH ✓

6. And She Dived Into Nothingness

(Warning: mention of suicide. Please do not read if it triggers you)

I had stopped asking what little flying thing happiness was; in this depression, I was not seeking the happier version of me, I was not seeking the satisfied version of me. I could not recall the last time I reached out for that child-self I once was, the kid who loved the sunshine and rain all the same, trees and birds all the same.

The sky no longer seemed limitless.

The chirping of the birds no longer was music to my ears.

The trees no longer felt strong and green.

You would think depression is about being sad, won't you? No, you could feel sadness like a soaking, sagging sponge, mightily suppressing all the water in itself but you couldn't feel depression. Depression brought numbness with itself and a certain kind of pain yet numbness that you couldn't even infer. It was like an uninvited friend that embarked on your life but you couldn't throw it out as it would drug you to accept it and perhaps it would never leave you alone.

In the world where everyone was busy relishing the pleasures of carousal in the grandiloquence of their abode, I existed lifeless, unknown. My shoulders hunched together like I was trying to fade away inside myself. Never once in my life, did I get the comfort that would make me feel relieved from inside. My mind felt as if it would explode in bits and shards.

What is the point of living anyway?

With my feeble legs, I attempted to get up from the corner where I had been sitting for the past two days. I pulled the drawer of my nightstand to find anything that would be beneficial for me. Shuffling, tossing, and turning everything that lived in the small space, upside down; I continued my search hunt.

Minutes later, I found a Gillette blade. Snatching it as if there was eagerness bubbling inside me, the first thing that crossed my mind was the bathroom, sweet and cold.

I walked inside the bathroom. I wouldn't lie but I liked this bathroom. It was functional and bare of any frills or unnecessary comforts. The light in the bathroom was bright and sterile, lacking even a trace of warmth but then again there was never a single trace of warmth in my woeful life.

My life was imperfect. Heck, I, myself was an epitome of imperfection. The scars and cuts on my skin would shine like a beacon and without clothes on, I knew there would be nowhere to hide. My breathing increased as I stood there for a minute thinking of how exactly I was going to do it.

People said a bathtub filled with warm water was better. Submergence in water could reduce the pain and inflammation and also would calm the nervous system so I went up to the valve that adjusted the temperature of the water, shifting it towards the heated side, I went to turn on the water faucet and filled up the tub entirely.

This is it. I'm going to do it.

I slid down into the water, letting it block out the sounds around me. I wished the tub would expand so I could go swimming as I used to on hot summer Sundays in the woods with my father. Those days were a special treat.

But my father was gone.

Those memories would go too.

And what in the end would remain with me would be the dark memories. The ones that brought immense pain, a certain amount of twinge that one couldn't comprehend.

Don't do this.

I heard a faint muffled voice from the depths of my brain, befuddled but I decided to show no signs of taking heed of it. Pulling in one last sharp breath, I placed my hands into the water with the Gillette blade in one. I closed my eyes as with one swift motion I cut and slit my wrist and watched the carmine-coloured liquid gush out of the cut that I formed.

Nothing. It felt nothing.

Everything was numb and the cut that I made brought no pang, no pain that would go soaring throughout my body and prickle me. Perhaps, the warm water was assisting me.

I didn't know how long I was in the tub surrounded by warm water, watching the blood dissolve in the colourless. I had no idea of what was happening around me. Sounds of distant vehicles or chirping of birds, nothing entered my ears as I was in my own stupor.

My eyesight blurred, tears of sadness were welling up, the sponge could not take the load of water, it needed it out and then everything became fuzzy; then I saw nothing at all. My consciousness was floating through an empty space filled with a thick static, unaware and perplexed. Throughout the inky space, my heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in my ears, alongside fading sounds of my own breath, every time seeming as if coming from a distance. The energy in my body drained away until finally all was black and I got pulled into an imperceptible nothingness.