Deep Thinking State of Mind...

Numb, empty,worthless, burden...

Why do I even exist?
I'm so ungrateful
I know I have food , shelter, water, all necessary things, family...

And I AM grateful for them all Alhamdulillah

But does that mean I cannot be sad?

You see I don't know why but I feel so sad all of a sudden every once in a while

I feel so numb and empty

Can't even cry out loud. Have to muffle the sound of sobbing in the bathroom while shaking uncontrollably . Looking in the mirror seeing a lost and broken girl staring back with red dry parched lips, runny nose and tears flowing freely. My throat hurts and body aches.

I shouldn't exist

Why did my parents spend so much on me, how can I pay them back?

I'm such a huge burden to them...

I'm worthless

I'm numb and empty

Why should I live

They say sometimes " if you don't tell me what's bothering you , how will I understand?"

That's why I don't say anything cuz some things can only be felt and not explained...

Just try to see me more clearly abbu Ammu

Actually ur not at fault...it's all me, I'm the worthless burden

Haha don't worry I ain't comitting suicide cuz
It's against my religion ( which I love )
And second I'm not brave enough to take my life...so someone come and assassinate me ( Astagfirullah)

Hmm I know all these times shall pass and for a moment life will again be cheery...

But it's dark, gloomy, numb and empty now!

I have this severe headache

I'm a huge burden to Everyone

Hmm if I'm not there

In school my classmates will be happy as they will get an empty space for the academic rankings

My parents don't have to worry about an ungrateful , worthless child

My mom is right

I'm selfish, worthless, and etc...you see that's why it's better if I'm not there right?

I shouldn't have called them bad parents.
I mean they raised me , spent money and time on me...

The only thing they didn't do is try and understand me...( Which doesn't matter at all cuz who cares about the mental health of this complicated generation)

The whirlwind of emotions I have inside which are giving me such thoughts...

Making myself feel worthless and a burden

And yeah the words they say for my "betterment"

Hmm okay ...can it be said in a more softer , positive way ? Please!...

Cuz those words are making me feel like no one cares...

Yeah they say " why I'm always on this electronics?"

Well yeah you know what mom and dad?
If I didn't have these for music, books and other stuff I'd have not been sane...

I'm losing inside...
Trapped in my negative mind