Worth It

Dear Peach || Amanda

PRESENT DAY

There are 174 tiles on Nick's bedroom roof. I can't sleep for like the 3rd night in a row, I just can't get Peyton out of my head. I just keep playing the week before she passed away over and over again in my head. Trying to find something, some sort of indication that would suggest this would happen. I just can't help but wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop this from happening. I breathe out a deep breath and try and keep my tears from spilling over.

I roll over and snuggle my face into the side of Nick's bare chest. I try my hardest to get as close to him as possible. It's weird, I've always been so independent never needing a man to make me feel safe, to give me comfort, but since losing Peyton I have had this over whelming feeling to just let go and be taken care of.

I look up through my lashes at Nick. He has one arm wrapped around me and the other is underneath his head as he lays on his back. A smile creeps across my face as I look at him, he seems so at peace and it just seems funny to know that his peaceful face can so easily go red with anger. This relationship, my feelings for him. They have come along so unexpectedly. No one knows how I truly feel about him and I know he doesn't either. Part of me is scared, so scared to death to tell him incase he heads for the hills leaving me in the dust.

I wiggle my way out from underneath his arm and climb out of bed. I pull his work shirt from the fall and toss it over my head. I tip toe to the living room where I have left my bag, I turn on the lamp by the couch and watch as it makes shadow figures on the wall opposite. In my bag is the note Peyton left for me, the one I am yet to read. Pulling it from my bag I make my way to the couch and pull my legs up underneath me as I sit down to read.

Dear Peach,

I can't help but smile, she is the only one who has ever been able to get away with calling me that. She was like the little sister I wish Kim had been. Caring, open and most of all loving.

I hope you are okay. I didn't mean for this to happen but it was the only way out for me. My body ached everyday and my head was filled with awful things I no longer wanted to hear. It just hurt. I know that you will be sitting by yourself day after day, not sleeping, wondering about what you could have done to stop me. To save me, but there was nothing. I know now therapy may have helped but I can't be sure.

Liv she told me about your chief in Atlanta and how you told her you would see her therapist. She said you were doing better, but I know. You never went in. I watch you cringe on somedays when you don't want to, how you go after authority figures when a case lands on your desk. It's not heathy, can you think about yourself for once. Well if not yourself think about Nick and Zara. I know you love them with all your heart so please, for them, get help. Trust Liv she actually knows what she's talking about, she's a good role model and someone just as damaged as you. Believe her, trust her and she will help you I promise you that. How do I know? She almost saved me, it was just been kidnapped that was the last straw. She has so much love to give, you just have to be willing to accept it.

You are much stronger, more compassionate and more beautiful than you believe Peach. Nick sees all that, let him all the way in. I see the way you look at him, the way you look at Zara. Tell him. I know from experience, letting the one person you love more than anything go, will break you beyond belief. The what ifs will eat you alive and that is no way to live. You deserve more than that, you deserve to be loved full force, all the time. Just let him love you Amanda. He has so much love to give you, so don't you dare use that as an excuse. Don't think he doesn't because he does, you won't let him in because you are scared. He will welcome you and whatever you have to offer into his heart, the way he already is trying to, I promise you that. Stop pushing back so hard, and take a leap of faith.

I look up as I hear the bedroom door open and see Nick standing shirtless in the doorway.
"You okay?"
I nod, "yeah." I manage to squeak out as my sob gets stuck in my throat, "just reading Peyton's letter is all."
"Oh," he moves towards me and stands behind the couch before softly placing a hand on my shoulder, "you okay?"
I smile sadly, "getting there, but this helps." I wave the piece of paper in his direction.
"Okay," he places a soft kiss on the side of my head, "I'll be in bed if you need me."

She was right, he gives me space because that is what I have always demanded from him. Breathe Amanda let him in, take a leap of faith.
I grab his hand before he pulls away, "stay please." I look up at him with soft eyes.
He turns back towards me and runs his fingers through my hair before kissing me softly, "of course."
He moves around the couch and settles himself behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and settling his head in the crock of my neck. I relax and lean back into him, I let him protect me for once.

Wanting someone to take care of you is not weak Amanda, you and Liv are the same. You think because you are strong woman at work, you have to be all the time. That's not true. Let someone else bare the weight for once, they do it because they love you not because they have to. Also cut Finny some slack will you, he loves you like his little sister and like the way he protects Liv when he can, he will protect you too. He will protect the both of you until his dying day, because you are his family.

Well I think that is enough sappiness and I think my point has been made. I love you Peach, thank you for everything you gave me. Thank you for the fun nights, the long talks and just the loving company. You're the big sister I wish I had and I will forever be grateful for that. You have so much to offer, so many things you hide away from the world. Let them out, you're special and the world needs to see that.

Always remember I am here, even when I'm not. I would never leave without making sure you were all okay. You guys are the family I was never allowed to have and God I treasure it always. If you ever need any help don't be afraid to ask and if you need someone to just listen I am always here. Always.

Oh and PS: you will make a fabulous mother one day, just don't wait too long. It may seem like you have all the time in the world, but take a lesson out of Liv's book. Life is miles to short to spend your life waiting on a maybe.

Love you so much Peach, be good and please don't forget me anytime soon. Love Walt xx

"Walt? Why did she write Walt Manda?" I can't help but chuckle, Nick is not much of a football fan.
"Her name is Peyton," I turn and place my legs either side of him so that I am straddling his waist. He looks up at me with a confused look, "I called her Walt after Walter Payton the 1993 Hall of Fame running back who played for the Chicago Bears. He is a football legend."
"Oh." I laugh and lean forward so that my forehead rests on his. I give him a soft kiss on the lips.
"Her father named her after him." I deepen the kiss, he opens his mouth to me and I slip my tongue into his mouth.
"Oh that makes sense," he mumbles into my mouth.

He wraps his arms beneath my ass before lifting us both clean off the couch in one swift motion. I tip my head back as his lips make contact with my chest.
I close my eyes with my chin to the roof.
"Leap of faith," I breathe out, "love you Walt." A single tear falls from my eye, "God I miss you. Be good."

I drop my head back down to Nick's and smile. I let go, for the first time in my life I just completely let go. Just let him love you Amanda.