I Always Will

Old Songs New Life

Author's Note: I imagine the video above is a fairly decent representation of what Bodie records later in the chapter...

Rowan

The shower rinses out some of my irritation with Riley.

Even though I hate it when he adopts that cynical resignation about his condition, I guess it's much better that Riley can poke fun at our challenges rather than be angry or defensive.

Although, he wasn't entirely stoic, was he? He did get a little pissed at me for faking the orgasm. Honestly I was surprised he could tell. I thought I did a good job. But there was just no way I was going to come when I could hear him strugglin in pain while trying to get me off.

I turn off the shower and stand squeezing my hair. He's right. We rushed that. His pain-free range of motion is not ready for sex. But I'm not sure our emotional range with each other is ready for it either.

When I woke to him touching me this morning, all I could think of was the last few times we had sex. How pissed off he was. He wasn't violent or anything, but he was just...mechanical. I could have been anyone, beneath him. I've been with a lot of guys and none had ever made me feel like...like a piece of ass. Except my husband. So when he first started touching me, I had this moment of hesitation. It feels like we are almost past all the anger and hurt, but how can I be sure he really can forgive me?

In that moment where he hissed out "stop" then said it he was talking to himself? Overthinking, he said? I know what he was thinking. He was thinking of me with Aidan. Like every time we've had sex since I cheated. And in that moment it felt like we were sliding backwards from last night's tenderness. Another big reason that my own rising passion fell to the floor and I faked the orgasm.

We were both in our heads this morning and neither one of us could give what the other really needed.

Yet he is trying, now. Even this morning the way he touched me so gently and kissed along the back of my neck and held me so close to him, before it fell apart. I can tell he's trying. 

I step out of the shower and decide to diss the doubts. I have to hang onto the fact that Riley says he loves me. I have to be brave and believe we can work things out. I have to be patient with our challenges. And if I expect him to trust me again, I guess I need to trust his forgiveness process, too.

Christ. I also have to get a wax job, pronto. And my hair done. And my nails. I've been so wrapped up in Riley's routine that I've let all that stuff slide.

I peer at myself naked in the mirror for the first time in a long time, looking past the slightly frayed details to my actual shape., I think my body looks fine, although I know the Girl Band producers are going to freak the moment they see me. I'm not as thin as I was during Season Four. Even then, there were constants quiet murmurings during last season's filming, proddings for me to lose five more pounds as my character declined further.

It was impossible, without the diet pills. I was barely eating anything at allas it was. All I ate was grapefruit to kill my appetite and a little fish and spinach every day. But since I've been home—here—whatever...the house is stocked with fresh meals from a delivery service and Linda makes a homemade dinner for us twice a week. And to be honest, I've been eating in part because I need to—taking care of Riley has been a high energy activity although it's becoming less so every day—but also because I want him to know I'm not starving myself anymore. I really am trying to be more healthy, just as he's trying to recover his health.

But...I've gained about six pounds in two months. So now I'm at least ten pounds from where the show's director would like to Stella.

I turn sideways. I lean in and suck in my cheekbones. It's hard for me to tell I've gained weight, but the camera is going to pick up the difference if I do this promo tour. They'll show clips of Stella and I'll be sitting there on a couch looking like a puffed up version of her.